DECEMBER 3, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Innovative Approaches to Chronic Pain Relief. Impact: The chronic pain clinic revolutionized how pain was treated, leading to the invention of the 'Pain Relief App' in 2040 where users can select their discomfort level from a drop-down menu. Spoiler alert: it never actually works.. Fact: Dr. Ben Daitz's essay was so enlightening that it inspired a wave of 'pain selfies' on social media, proving that even suffering can be marketed!.
• Headline: AOL's Strategic Shift Announcement. Impact: AOL's radical shift paved the way for the era of streaming services, which ironically also led to the decline of patience as people could no longer wait for dial-up tones. Thanks a lot, AOL.. Fact: AOL's big policy shift included a secret plan to reintroduce floppy disks, because nothing says 'we're back!' like outdated technology..
• Headline: Where a Film's Gooey Bits Are the Real Showstoppers. Impact: Bill Morrison's film sparked a cultural obsession with decay, leading to an entire genre of 'ruin porn' that ironically, is more popular than actual art films. Who knew the apocalypse could be so aesthetically pleasing?. Fact: Decasia became so popular that it inspired a new trend of filmmakers intentionally ruining their reels just to capture the 'authentic' look of decay. As if we needed more excuses for bad filmmaking..
• Headline: Doing Business by Cellphone Creates New Liability Issues. Impact: The liability issues from business-related cellphone use led to an entire new sector of insurance dedicated to 'Distracted Employee Coverage.' Who knew texting while driving could be a lucrative business model?. Fact: After this headline, companies started offering 'Cellphone-Free Fridays' – which, unsurprisingly, resulted in a dramatic increase in employee productivity and a 100% increase in complaints about boredom..