NOVEMBER 22, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Miami University Defeats Pittsburgh University. Impact: Miami's perfect record inspired countless underachievers in sports to believe that, with enough luck and maybe a little divine intervention, they too can achieve the impossible. Meanwhile, the entire city started to take victory laps, which caused a chain reaction of traffic jams and a spike in celebratory nacho sales.. Fact: Did you know that Miami's undefeated run led to the creation of a new sport? It's called 'delusional fan optimism' and the only rule is to keep believing even when reality says otherwise!.
• Headline: The Emotional Depth of Pierce Brosnan's 007. Impact: Pierce Brosnan's sympathetic Bond led to a sudden surge in men feeling comfortable expressing their emotions. This, of course, resulted in a global shortage of handkerchiefs and awkward encounters at cocktail parties where everyone was suddenly too vulnerable.. Fact: Did you know that Brosnan's Bond was so emotional that he nearly cried during the 'shaken, not stirred' line? The bartender was never more confused..
• Headline: Japan's Banks: A Ministerial Perspective. Impact: The Japanese economy minister's comments on banks softened the hearts of bankers everywhere, leading to an unexpected trend of bank tellers giving out hugs instead of interest rates. This caused a dramatic rise in the number of people visiting banks just to feel validated.. Fact: Did you know that 'softening' statements in politics is often just code for 'I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I'm trying to sound reassuring'?.
• Headline: Madison Ave. Has Growing Role In the Business of Drug Research. Impact: Madison Avenue's growing role in drug research inspired an entire generation of ad executives to start calling themselves 'pharmaceutical strategists,' leading to a mass exodus from traditional marketing jobs to the lucrative world of selling hope and side effects.. Fact: Did you know that the slogan 'Ask your doctor if this drug is right for you' was actually created after a lengthy debate on how to make patients feel more involved in their own financial ruin?.