AUGUST 4, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mets Suffer Doubleheader Defeat to Diamondbacks. Impact: The Mets' doubleheader disaster unleashed a cosmic wave of disappointment that rippled through time, resulting in every future baseball fan developing a penchant for crying into their nachos during games.. Fact: Did you know that the Mets are actually short for 'Miserable Every Time'?.
• Headline: Olympic Scandal: Tokhtakhounov Arrested. Impact: Alimzhan Tokhtakhounov's arrest set off a chain reaction in the underworld, leading to a sudden spike in mobsters switching to knitting, because, you know, it's safer than fixing Olympic events.. Fact: Fun fact: The 2002 Winter Olympics had more scandals than a reality TV show, but at least the ice skaters were better dressed..
• Headline: Viacom's Rise as Media Powerhouse. Impact: Viacom's rise to media dominance created a butterfly effect that led to an increase in reality TV programming, which in turn caused countless hours of wasted time for viewers everywhere. Thanks, Viacom!. Fact: Did you know that Viacom's strategy was so conservative it might as well have been a 90-year-old grandparent at a buffet?.
• Headline: Ideas & Trends: Real Politics; When Energy Comes From Russia, It's Also Power. Impact: The strategic dance between the U.S. and Russia over oil led to an ongoing saga of backroom deals, secret handshakes, and enough drama to make a soap opera look like a documentary.. Fact: Did you know that both Bush and Putin could've just settled their differences with a game of rock-paper-scissors? It might have saved us all a lot of trouble..
• Headline: POSTINGS: In Bedford-Stuyvesant; 29 New Homes, $199,963 Apiece. Impact: The construction of new homes in Bedford-Stuyvesant sparked a gentrification wave that would eventually lead to artisanal pickle shops replacing actual people. Progress?. Fact: Fun fact: Those houses now sell for over a million bucks because nothing says 'affordable housing' like a mortgage the size of a small country's debt!.