MAY 18, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bush Administration Attacks Congressional Democrats. Impact: This aggressive attack on Democrats ignited a firestorm that led to an eternal cycle of political finger-pointing, resulting in a future where politicians communicate exclusively through interpretive dance. Who knew the fate of democracy hinged on the cha-cha?. Fact: Fun fact: the term 'second-guessing' was originally coined by a very confused time traveler who couldn't decide whether to bet on horses or politics. Spoiler: he lost both..
• Headline: Mayor Finds More Limits To Control Of Schools. Impact: Michael Bloomberg's struggle for control over schools led to a timeline where every mayor in America has since resorted to using puppet strings to maintain authority. Now, city budgets are spent mostly on marionette shows.. Fact: Fun fact: Bloomberg's desire to control everything has led to the phrase 'If you can't beat them, control them' becoming the unofficial motto of city governance across the nation..
• Headline: Where There Wasn't a Will, He Found a Way. Impact: Mel Spillman's greed set a precedent that caused a massive increase in probate fraud cases, leading to a future where estate planning includes a mandatory 'fraud awareness' seminar. Now everyone has to sit through an hour of 'How Not to Be a Mel.'. Fact: Did you know that Mel Spillman's favorite quote was 'Where there's a will, there's a way'? Ironically, he should have taken that advice for himself instead of the estates he bilked..