MARCH 26, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Federal Hall Faces Critical Deterioration. Impact: If Federal Hall crumbles, we might never have known George Washington was the first president. Imagine a timeline where someone else took the oath - maybe a cat? Cats for president could have changed the course of history, or at least made it furrier.. Fact: Federal Hall was once the nation's first capitol, so if you ever wanted to feel bad about your hometown's lack of historical significance, just remember, you probably don’t have a statue of George Washington in your town square..
• Headline: Andersen Challenges Grand Jury Investigation. Impact: The misuse of grand juries in high-profile cases could lead to a future where every attorney starts using interpretive dance as a legal strategy. Picture courtroom dramas featuring more pirouettes than arguments.. Fact: Arthur Andersen was not only a major player in the accounting world; they also had a knack for turning financial documents into confetti. That’s one way to avoid document destruction charges!.
• Headline: Poland's Steel Industry Consolidation Announcement. Impact: Selling the steel industry in Poland could lead to a future where every country fights over who gets to own the world’s supply of metal. It’s only a matter of time before we see international steel wars, complete with battle tanks and pointy helmets.. Fact: Poland's steel industry saga is just a reminder that sometimes the most riveting dramas happen behind closed factory doors. Who needs reality TV when you have national economies on the brink?.
• Headline: World Business Briefing | Europe: Germany: Bank's Outlook Slips. Impact: Deutsche Bank’s slip in outlook could inspire a new genre of sad banker poetry. Future generations might read heartfelt verses about lost profits and bad loans instead of classic literature.. Fact: Deutsche Bank’s financial woes are so bad, they could start a support group for troubled banks. The first meeting? 'Hi, my name is Deutsche Bank, and I have a bad loan problem.'.
• Headline: Improving His Average To One in 16. Impact: Randy Newman winning an Oscar might lead to a world where every song from animated movies must now come with a heartfelt ballad about self-doubt. Future animated characters may have existential crises set to music.. Fact: Randy Newman’s win was a classic case of 'better late than never.' With 16 nominations before this win, I guess he was just warming up for the real competition: the Academy's patience!.