MARCH 23, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ovitz Film Unit Faces Uncertain Future. Impact: The loss of a partner at Ovitz Film Unit led to a series of questionable film choices in Hollywood. If only they had consulted a psychic instead of focusing on profits, we might have avoided movies like 'The Emoji Movie'.. Fact: Did you know that the Ovitz Film Unit was once considered a powerhouse? Now it’s just a cautionary tale about how not to run a business. Oops!.
• Headline: Living in a Mars Simulation in Utah. Impact: Living in a tin can in Utah was the first step towards humanity's eventual colonization of Mars. However, it also led to a 50% increase in hipster beards and artisanal space food sales on Earth. Thanks, pioneers!. Fact: Did you know that six people living in a silo sounds like the premise of a bad reality show? 'Survivor: Mars Edition' is coming soon to a network near you!.
• Headline: City Hall Memo; Mayor's Bid For Schools Tests His Ear For Politics. Impact: Mayor Bloomberg's comments about taking over schools resulted in a chain reaction of political blunders, paving the way for future politicians to say even more ridiculous things without any repercussions. Thanks, Mike!. Fact: Did you know that taking over schools is a classic political move? It’s like saying 'I love puppies' to gain votes—everyone knows it’s just a ploy for votes!.