MARCH 21, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Wall Street Giants and Federal Aid. Impact: This generous federal aid set a precedent for future bailouts, leading to the infamous 'Wall Street should get a bonus for their incompetence' mentality. Who knew that saving jobs would eventually lead to million-dollar bonuses for failing at their jobs?. Fact: Did you know that after this, Wall Street executives started using federal aid as the ultimate excuse for their lavish expenses? ‘It’s just business!’ they said, while enjoying their fifth vacation of the year..
• Headline: Campaign Finance Bill Approved by Congress. Impact: The passage of the campaign finance bill was like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. It made everyone feel better for a moment, but spoiler alert: money still found its way into politics—just more creatively disguised!. Fact: Fun fact: This bill was supposed to limit the influence of money on politics, which is kind of like trying to limit the influence of pizza on a college student. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Stalled Talks on Lumber Trade Dispute. Impact: This enduring lumber dispute paved the way for future trade wars, teaching both nations that when it comes to trade, it’s always better to pick a fight over a two-by-four than to just, you know, compromise.. Fact: Did you know that this lumber dispute was so intense that trees in both countries started to feel nervous? Every time a chainsaw revved up, they braced for impact!.
• Headline: U.S. MIGHT PURSUE QAEDA AND TALIBAN TO PAKISTAN LAIRS. Impact: The potential incursion into Pakistan foreshadowed a series of military actions that would redefine U.S. foreign policy, basically turning it into a never-ending game of hide and seek with terrorists—spoiler alert: they weren’t very good at hiding.. Fact: Did you know that this idea was so controversial that it made the 'let's invade a country' meetings sound like casual brunch discussions? ‘So, who wants to go to Pakistan today?’.