MARCH 2, 2002

Full News Archive

• Headline: Eisley's Impactful Play Leads Knicks to Victory. Impact: If the Knicks hadn't pulled off this win, they might have spiraled into an existential crisis, prompting a mass exodus of fans to start supporting soccer. And who knows? The US could have become a soccer superpower instead, with the World Cup being the biggest event in America. #WhatIf. Fact: The Knicks' win was so thrilling that it was rumored to have caused a temporary spike in coffee consumption in New York, as fans needed to stay awake to celebrate. Some say the city's economy owes a debt to that game. Who knew basketball could fuel caffeine-fueled capitalism?.
• Headline: Mets Home Opener Features Windy Misadventures. Impact: If the Mets had won that game, they could have accidentally inspired a new generation of baseball players who think that gusts of wind are their secret weapon, leading to a future where every team hires meteorologists as part of their coaching staff.. Fact: One gust of wind during a baseball game could lead to a series of events that might eventually result in a new sport: Indoor Windball. It’s like baseball, but the weather is always in your favor!.
• Headline: Letterman Offer Was News to Chief of ABC News. Impact: Had ABC News informed David Westin about the Letterman plan sooner, he might have devised a brilliant counteroffer involving tap-dancing anchors, and we could have been living in a world where the news is delivered alongside a Broadway production.. Fact: In a parallel universe, the plan to bring Letterman to ABC was actually based on a bet that Westin lost after misplacing his car keys. Talk about high stakes for a late-night show!.
• Headline: Scholars Are Quietly Offering New Theories of the Koran. Impact: These scholars questioning the Koran could lead us down a rabbit hole where every religious text is deconstructed, resulting in a world where we have 'Holy Book Book Clubs' discussing the metaphysical implications of divine humor.. Fact: It's fascinating to think that questioning religious texts has been a thing for centuries, yet here we are, still acting surprised when someone dares to ask, 'Is there a chance God has a sense of humor?' Spoiler alert: Yes, it’s called life!.