JUNE 23, 2001

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rowland's Emission Cut Bill Vetoed. Impact: In a shocking twist, Rowland's veto leads to a chain reaction where Connecticut's air quality plummets, resulting in an unexpected rise in demand for inhalers. Fast forward a few decades, and inhaler technology becomes so advanced that they are now used as fashion accessories. Who knew asthma could be so chic?. Fact: Did you know that Connecticut was once the state with the highest per capita consumption of inhalers? Talk about breathing easy… or not..
• Headline: Israel's Ambitious Desalination Initiative. Impact: Israel's desalination project becomes such a success that it inadvertently leads to a global water war over who gets to use the phrase 'Water, water everywhere!' After years of legal battles, it turns out the phrase was actually trademarked by a poet from the 1800s. Who knew literature could cause such a stir?. Fact: Fun fact: Israel's desalination plants now supply over 70% of its drinking water! Who needs a superhero when you have modern engineering?.
• Headline: New Jersey Disinterest in G.O.P. Race. Impact: The collective yawn of New Jerseyans becomes contagious, spreading to neighboring states. Eventually, researchers find that yawning can increase voter turnout because everyone just wants the excitement to end. Who knew apathy could be so motivational?. Fact: Did you know that New Jerseyans are statistically more likely to yawn than vote? Maybe they just need better campaign slogans!.
• Headline: Mets Clobbered In Weak Sequel Against Braves. Impact: The Mets' embarrassing defeat inspires a generation of young players to pursue baseball in the hopes of never repeating their mistakes. Fast forward a couple of decades, and we have a new league formed solely for the purpose of playing against the Mets for the guaranteed win. It’s called the ‘Win-By-Default League’.. Fact: Did you know that the Mets have more than just a losing record? They've also got an impressive collection of 'how not to play baseball' instructional videos!.
• Headline: China's Once Undisputed Business Gateway Now Has Competition. Impact: China's loss of its business monopoly sends shockwaves through the global economy, leading to a bizarre trend where every country tries to outdo each other in creating the quirkiest business ventures. Eventually, a start-up in Iceland offers business consultancy services through interpretive dance. Because why not?. Fact: Did you know that competition is what drives innovation? Too bad it doesn't apply to business practices in a global monopoly. Maybe next time, China!.