MAY 11, 2001

Full News Archive

• Headline: Thomson Corp Reports First-Quarter Profit. Impact: Thomson Corp's profit announcement triggered a series of corporate buyouts, ultimately leading to the rise of a mega-corporation that only sold maple syrup. This bizarre turn of events led to a global syrup shortage, causing chaos in breakfast routines everywhere.. Fact: Profits are like unicorns; everyone talks about them, but most of us have never seen one in real life..
• Headline: Debating New York's Rent Regulation Dilemma. Impact: The stalemate over rent regulations accidentally inspired a new reality TV show called 'Rich vs. Renters.' The show went on to become a cultural phenomenon, sparking debates about housing that made politicians run for cover (and sometimes even for re-election).. Fact: It's funny how everyone wants to fix rent regulations, but nobody wants to actually fix the problem. It’s like wanting to fix a leaky faucet but only using a Band-Aid..
• Headline: PUSHING THE LIMITS -- A special report.; Someday Soon, Athletic Edge May Be From Altered Genes. Impact: As genetic engineering became a hot topic in sports, a secret society of genetically modified cats emerged, dominating the competitive world of feline athletics. This led to the introduction of the first-ever Olympic Cat Games, which became the most-watched event in history.. Fact: If only humans could genetically engineer themselves to run faster. But then again, they might still trip over their own shoelaces..