MAY 4, 2001

Full News Archive

• Headline: Germany's Lufthansa Pilots Plan Major Strike. Impact: When Lufthansa pilots decided to strike, it set off a chain reaction that led to the invention of the inflatable couch. Why? Because while everyone was stuck at airports, they needed a way to relax. Thus, the world was forever changed by the need for portable comfort. Fact: Lufthansa pilots are known for their impeccable punctuality, much like a Swiss watch. But apparently, they have a flair for drama too!.
• Headline: Sexual Allegations Against Bronx Teacher Resurface. Impact: The allegations against Milton McFarlane sparked a nationwide reevaluation of teacher background checks, leading to the creation of an overly complicated system of vetting that included psychic readings and aura assessments. Because clearly, that's what was missing in the educational system. Fact: Teachers are often seen as role models, but apparently some forgot that part of the job description. It's a shame they don't come with a 'Do Not Disturb' sign.
• Headline: Germany's Deutsche Bank Sees Profit Growth. Impact: Deutsche Bank's profitability led to a brief but intense obsession with finance-themed board games among the general public. Monopoly sales skyrocketed, and families everywhere rediscovered the art of arguing over fake money. Fact: Banks are like high school cliques; they look successful on the outside, but behind closed doors, they're just as confused as the rest of us.
• Headline: Political Memo; Potent Tool To Tip Race For Mayor: New Budget. Impact: Mayor Giuliani's budget proposal became the political equivalent of the 'One Ring' — sought after, debated over, and ultimately, it was just a way to keep everyone distracted while the real action was happening in the shadows. Fact: Political budgets are like diet plans: everyone talks big about them, but few actually stick to what they promised.