MARCH 2, 2001

Full News Archive

• Headline: Psion's Smartphone Plans Scrapped. Impact: The cancellation of Psion's smartphone plan sent a shockwave through the tech world. If they had succeeded, we might have been swiping on clunky devices that could barely fit in our pockets, leading to a world where people still collect physical maps and use payphones. The universe dodged a bullet there!. Fact: Did you know that if Psion had actually made a smartphone, it might have come with a complimentary set of floppy disks? Talk about retro!.
• Headline: Eve Queler's Legacy at Carnegie Hall. Impact: Eve Queler's concert might have inspired a future generation of conductors, leading to a world where orchestras are replaced by holographic performances, and the audience wears VR headsets instead of formal wear. Thank you, technology!. Fact: Fun fact: In the opera world, the only thing people love more than dramatic arias is arguing about who can hit the highest note. It's like the musical version of a pissing contest..
• Headline: Tyson's Quest for Championship Glory. Impact: Tyson’s musings about his legacy sparked a series of heavyweight boxing matches that ultimately led to a bizarre reality TV show where boxers debate their emotional trauma instead of actually boxing. Clearly, we could have used less drama and more punches.. Fact: Did you know that if Mike Tyson were a superhero, his power would be throwing punches while pondering existential questions? The world really dodges a bullet sometimes..
• Headline: OIL PIPELINE PROGRESSES. Impact: The signing of the oil pipeline agreement led to a frenzy of geopolitical maneuvering, resulting in a future where oil tycoons run for president and the phrase 'It's all about the oil' becomes a global mantra. Who knew pipelines could carry so much drama?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing thicker than oil is the plot of a political thriller? Maybe we should get a screenwriter involved..
• Headline: Celtics No Match For Camby At His Best. Impact: The Knicks' victory over the Celtics solidified a rivalry that would inspire countless sports films, including one where a ragtag team learns that teamwork and occasional luck can beat talent. Spoiler: It always ends with a last-second shot.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more predictable than a Knicks-Celtics game is the number of times fans will argue about whose team is better? Spoiler alert: It's always the fans who lose..