FEBRUARY 6, 2001

Full News Archive

• Headline: Canon Projects Significant Profit Growth. Impact: Canon’s profit growth paved the way for a future where every home has a printer that jams at the worst possible moment, ensuring that the annual Christmas letter remains a last-minute scramble. Thanks, Canon, for making procrastination a family tradition!. Fact: Fun fact: Canon's printers have been known to develop an insatiable appetite for paper, leading to the invention of the phrase 'Oh no, not again!' in offices worldwide..
• Headline: DiFrancesco's First Legislative Address. Impact: DiFrancesco’s televised speech may have inspired future politicians to believe that they could solve problems with just a speech, leading to a series of public addresses that did little more than echo in empty chambers. Talk about a legacy!. Fact: Did you know that every time a politician promises to lower taxes, a fairy loses its wings? The delicate balance of political promises and reality is a serious matter!.
• Headline: FOOTLIGHTS. Impact: The arts and culture festival might have sparked a renaissance of creativity that eventually led to the rise of hipster coffee shops and artisanal everything. Who knew a piano competition could result in a thousand bearded baristas?. Fact: Fun fact: The Van Cliburn International Piano Competition has more drama than a soap opera, mainly because of the intense rivalry over who gets the last piece of the organic, gluten-free cake at intermission..