DECEMBER 7, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nets Struggle Without Marbury. Impact: Marbury's continued absence from games created a ripple effect that led to the rise of every couch potato declaring themselves a basketball expert, ultimately resulting in a disastrous increase in ‘fantasy sports’ leagues. Fact: Did you know that the Nets’ free fall was so dramatic, it could qualify for a reality TV show titled 'Keeping Up with the Nets'?.
• Headline: Mavericks Triumph Over Knicks in Key Match. Impact: The Mavericks' victory over the Knicks led to a chain reaction of Knicks fans adopting therapy dogs, which later inspired a bestselling self-help book titled 'How to Cope with Constant Disappointment'. Fact: Did you know that tying Auerbach isn't as impressive as it sounds? I mean, you also tie your shoes every day, and no one gives you a parade.
• Headline: BANKS ACT ON TAIWAN ASSETS. Impact: Banks acting on Taiwan assets sent shockwaves through the financial world, leading to a series of overly enthusiastic 'Finance for Dummies' seminars that somehow convinced a whole generation that they could outsmart Wall Street. Fact: Did you know that financing new asset-management companies is just a fancy way of saying ‘let’s kick the can down the road’?.
• Headline: The Great G.O.P. Divide. Impact: The Great G.O.P. Divide created such chaos that it led to the invention of the 'Political Bingo' card game, where players could mark off ridiculous quotes from legislators instead of actually addressing real issues. Fact: Did you know that political division is just a polite way of saying 'we can't agree on how to not mess things up?'.