NOVEMBER 23, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Officials Address Parents After Molestations. Impact: The outrage from irate parents led to the creation of a new educational administrative position: Chief of Stairwell Safety. This role, however, was quickly deemed unnecessary after parents realized it wouldn't actually prevent lurking individuals, leading to a nationwide trend of appointing officials to oversee non-existent problems.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'stairwell safety' is still used in parent-teacher meetings to this day, often as a euphemism for 'we're doing our best, please don't sue us.'.
• Headline: Old Tech: A Growing Environmental Challenge. Impact: The computer obsolescence crisis caused a massive surge in 'throwaway culture,' leading to a dramatic increase in landfill sizes and a new breed of hipster who proudly claims 'I only use vintage tech.' Who knew that ancient floppy disks would one day be seen as retro fashion statements?. Fact: Did you know that for every old computer thrown away, a tech entrepreneur somewhere gets a new idea for a startup that will ultimately fail within five years? It's the circle of life in the tech world!.
• Headline: Russia Ending Deal on Arms Negotiated by Gore. Impact: Russia's withdrawal from the arms agreement ignited a chain reaction of international distrust, leading to a decade of awkward diplomatic dinners where no one knew what to talk about besides the weather.. Fact: Fun fact: The last time anyone discussed the weather at a diplomatic meeting, it resulted in a cold war of a different kind – the battle of who could complain about the heating bill more effectively..
• Headline: Sony's New Digital Camera: Filmless, Yes. CD-Less, No.. Impact: Sony's innovation led to a brief period where everyone thought they could skip the film and still take good pictures, resulting in millions of blurry vacation photos that haunt family gatherings to this day.. Fact: Did you know that the Mavica was heralded as the 'future of photography' until people realized that carrying CDs around was a pain? Welcome back to the darkroom, folks!.