OCTOBER 28, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Microsoft Cybersecurity Breach Duration Revealed. Impact: If this break-in hadn't happened, perhaps Bill Gates would have been too busy coding to invent the concept of 'Windows updates' as a form of digital torture. Who knows? The world may have been a much happier place.. Fact: Did you know that while Microsoft was busy being hacked, they were also probably working on a new version of Clippy to help users navigate their impending doom?.
• Headline: Gazprom Directors Tighten Asset Control. Impact: This move stirred the pot in Russian corporate governance, setting the stage for future boardroom dramas where directors might as well have been in a reality TV show. Imagine the ratings!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more convoluted than Gazprom's management structure is trying to explain Russian politics to an outsider. Good luck!.
• Headline: Gulotta Rejects Tax Plan Proposal. Impact: By rejecting the tax plan, Gulotta paved the way for a never-ending cycle of budget crises that would haunt Nassau County like a bad ghost story. The kind that makes you cringe every time tax season rolls around.. Fact: Did you know that property taxes are the adult version of getting grounded? You can’t escape them, and they always come at the worst time..
• Headline: On Each Side, Accusing Fingers Over Nasty Turn in Campaign. Impact: The mudslinging initiated a tradition of 'political ads that make you want to gouge your eyes out', influencing generations of candidates to perfect the art of distraction with increasingly absurd accusations.. Fact: Did you know that during this campaign, both sides probably spent more on negative ads than on actually telling people what they stood for? Who needs policies when you can just throw shade?.
• Headline: ECONOMIC GROWTH SLOWED SHARPLY IN THIRD QUARTER. Impact: This economic slowdown was a warning sign that would eventually lead to a decade-long obsession with economic recovery plans, proving once again that history loves a good rollercoaster ride.. Fact: Fun fact: Economists love to use the phrase 'temporary downturn' just as much as your friend uses 'temporary diet' right before a pizza party..