OCTOBER 26, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Politics and Cancer Care Legislation. Impact: The signing of the Breast and Cervical Cancer Treatment and Prevention Act in private led to a series of secretive political deals, which eventually birthed the modern-day political scandal. Who knew a health bill could be the origin of so much drama?. Fact: Did you know that signing bills in private is like the adult version of hiding your homework? Just because you don’t want anyone to see your work doesn't mean it's not important!.
• Headline: Lazio's Campaign Shift to Upstate New York. Impact: Rick Lazio's focus on upstate New York became a template for candidates everywhere, and now we regularly endure politicians popping up in our local diners pretending to enjoy our artisanal pickles. Thanks, Lazio!. Fact: Did you know that 'upstate' is just a euphemism for 'where everyone votes differently than the city folk'? It's like saying, 'I’m going to the land of the perplexing opinions!'.
• Headline: FOOTLIGHTS. Impact: The Cincinnati Art Museum's exhibit led to a renaissance of art appreciation in the Midwest, resulting in a massive uptick in hipster glasses and ironic mustaches. Who knew masterpieces could inspire so much fashion?. Fact: Did you know that '88 masterpieces' is just a fancy way to say 'things you can pretend to understand at a party'? Art appreciation is basically a game of 'let's nod thoughtfully.'.
• Headline: MUSIC INDUSTRY ARREST. Impact: Masafumi Okanda's arrest opened the floodgates for a new reality show genre: 'Abducted Executives.' This unforeseen twist in corporate crime paved the way for countless absurd television plots. Thanks for the inspiration, Masafumi!. Fact: Did you know that holding someone captive for three days is technically not covered under 'team-building exercises'? Just a little tip for your next office retreat!.