OCTOBER 18, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Newark's Hidden Tunnels Resurface for Transit. Impact: The revival of these tunnels led to an explosion in urban exploration tourism, resulting in a highly lucrative underground selfie industry. A decade later, people are actually paying to crawl through historical muck. Thanks, Newark!. Fact: Did you know that Newark's tunnels were once rumored to be the secret hideout of a forgotten superhero? Spoiler: he never showed up..
• Headline: Concerns Over Singapore's Export Growth. Impact: This dip in expectations sparked a global panic about Singapore's economic prowess, leading to a ridiculous trend of 'Export Anxiety' seminars popping up everywhere. Economists are now giving motivational speeches like they're life coaches.. Fact: Did you know that Singapore once imported a giant inflatable Merlion just to distract everyone from their economic woes? It worked... for a while..
• Headline: Ciba Reports Strong Third Quarter Earnings. Impact: Ciba's impressive earnings led to a series of bizarre pharmaceutical mergers, culminating in a company that specializes in mood-enhancing gummy bears. Who knew happiness could be so chewy?. Fact: Did you know that Ciba's strong results were partially due to a popular new product called 'Prozac Popcorn'? It's all the rage at movie theaters now..