SEPTEMBER 6, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Combating Violence with Mental Health Collaboration. Impact: The collaboration between police and mental health specialists led to the infamous 'Ithaca Incident Protocol', which, in an alternate timeline, became the blueprint for all future police procedures, ultimately resulting in a society where therapists were more feared than criminals. Who knew therapy could be so intimidating?. Fact: Did you know that the first known 'rampage' was actually a toddler throwing a tantrum in a candy store? Just goes to show, some behaviors are timeless!.
• Headline: Rising H.M.O. Costs Shift Employer Plans. Impact: The skyrocketing health insurance costs made employers realize they could invest in a 'wellness program' instead, which mainly consisted of providing employees with more kale and yoga classes. The true cost? A national obsession with green smoothies.. Fact: Did you know that if you stacked all the paperwork involved in health insurance claims, you could reach the moon? And then, you’d still need insurance for the trip!.
• Headline: Food Network's Shift to Entertainment. Impact: Food Network’s shift from instructional cooking shows to pure entertainment unwittingly led to a generation of people who thought adding 'just a sprinkle of sea salt' made them gourmet chefs. Thanks to this, many kitchen fires were set in the name of 'artistic expression'.. Fact: Did you know that before reality TV, people actually learned how to cook by following recipes? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Hingis Cruises to Face Venus Williams. Impact: Hingis and Williams reaching the semifinals sparked a rivalry that, in a bizarre twist, led to the establishment of a new rule that all tennis matches must now include a dramatic dance-off. Because why serve when you can shimmy?. Fact: Did you know that the longest tennis match ever played lasted over 11 hours? Imagine the blisters! Or the bathroom breaks!.
• Headline: After Woeful Summer, First Day Back Is Even Worse. Impact: The gridlock in NYC post-Labor Day became so infamous that it led to the birth of a new holiday: 'National Commuter Appreciation Day', where people celebrated the joys of sitting in traffic while contemplating their life choices.. Fact: Did you know that traffic jams are basically the universe's way of ensuring you have enough time to reflect on your life decisions? Thanks, universe!.