JUNE 17, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Father of Blues Legitimacy Confirmed. Impact: This moment sparked a musical revolution. Had the court ruled otherwise, the world might have been deprived of countless blues riffs and guitar solos. Imagine a universe where Eric Clapton only played polka. The horror!. Fact: The 'Father of the Blues' is actually W.C. Handy, but don't worry, his son probably won't be as famous. After all, who wants to be known as the son of the blues when you can be the father of a sitcom about a talking dog?.
• Headline: Senate Passes Online Contract Legislation. Impact: This bill paved the way for online shopping and the eventual rise of impulse buying. Who knew a simple e-signature would lead to a society where people buy inflatable unicorns at 2 AM? Thanks, Senate!. Fact: The bill passed unanimously, which is rare in politics. In fact, it was the first time all senators agreed on something since they decided to keep their lunch orders confidential..
• Headline: A Volatile Mixture Exploded Into Rampage in Central Park. Impact: This unfortunate event raised awareness of public safety and the need for better crowd control. It also led to the invention of the phrase 'Don't bring a volatile mixture to a parade,' which is now a standard public safety warning.. Fact: The Puerto Rican Day Parade is meant to celebrate culture, not chaos. But hey, you can’t spell 'parade' without 'R-A-P-I-D'!.
• Headline: Chips Off the Old Cell Block; Sons Follow in Footsteps of 2 Imprisoned Crime Bosses. Impact: The legacy of crime families continued with these sons, proving it's never too late to follow in your father's questionable footsteps. This led to a rise in family therapy for mobsters—because nothing says 'I love you' like a joint prison sentence.. Fact: Both Gotti and Persico's sons are living proof that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, especially when that tree is a crime syndicate. Family dinners must be interesting!.