JUNE 16, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Woods' Impressive Opening at US Open. Impact: Tiger Woods's foggy performance at Pebble Beach led to a nationwide obsession with playing golf in inclement weather. This bizarre trend eventually resulted in the creation of a new sport: Extreme Golf, where players must navigate treacherous conditions while wearing inflatable dinosaur costumes.. Fact: Did you know that Woods's famous foggy round was actually a clever marketing ploy to encourage sales of fog-proof golf balls? Because who wouldn't want to play with balls that can't see the hole?.
• Headline: Arrests Made in Central Park Assaults. Impact: The arrest of these six men brought about a heightened awareness of personal safety in public spaces, leading to the establishment of 'Central Park Safety Patrols' made entirely of retired circus performers. Their unique skills and colorful costumes have made them both effective and entertaining.. Fact: Did you know that after this incident, Central Park became the first park to offer free self-defense classes taught by former ninjas? Because nothing says 'safe' like learning to defend yourself from a guy in a ninja outfit..
• Headline: Efficiency on Wheels; U.S. Auto Industry Is Catching Up With the Japanese. Impact: The U.S. auto industry's newfound efficiency triggered a global competition for the title of 'Most Productive Car Maker,' resulting in bizarre innovations like the 'Self-Cleaning Car' and the 'Mood-Sensitive Steering Wheel' that only drives when you're happy.. Fact: Did you know that General Motors once tried to patent a car that could drive itself to the nearest drive-thru? They called it 'Fast Food on Wheels'—talk about a drive-through revolution!.
• Headline: West Nile Test May Set Off City Spraying. Impact: The impending West Nile spraying in Queens led to a massive urban legend about 'Insecticide Zombies,' which terrified the local children. This paranoia later resulted in the creation of a popular Halloween costume, allowing kids to dress as both insects and zombies in one fell swoop.. Fact: Did you know that after this spraying, the local mosquito population formed a protest group called 'Buzz Off'? They demanded better working conditions and more empathy from humans—because, you know, they only bite because they care!.