JUNE 5, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lakers' Thrilling Comeback Against Blazers. Impact: The Lakers' comeback not only saved their championship dreams but also resurrected the ancient art of 'throwing a basketball really hard' – a skill that has since been passed down through generations of couch potatoes.. Fact: This game was a perfect example of sportsmanship, where even the losing team got to perfect their 'we tried our best' face for future games..
• Headline: Clinton and Lazio Unite at Israel Parade. Impact: The handshake between Clinton and Lazio was so powerful that it momentarily united the entire state of New York in a collective 'let's just survive this election'. It's often cited as the turning point for the state's preference for a good bagel over political debates.. Fact: This parade was one of the rare occasions when New Yorkers were actually united over something other than being stuck in traffic..
• Headline: Fusaichi Pegasus Won't Run In Belmont. Impact: Fusaichi Pegasus's withdrawal from the Belmont led to an unexpected resurgence in popularity for other horses, who suddenly thought, 'Hey, maybe we can win something without a hoof injury!' This sparked a revolution in equine optimism.. Fact: The last time a horse withdrew from a triple crown race, it started a trend of trainers claiming their horses were 'just taking a sabbatical' – a perfect excuse for lazy horses everywhere..
• Headline: Sports of The Times; Majority of Braves Want Rocker Gone. Impact: John Rocker's antics not only caused a stir in the Braves' clubhouse but also sparked an international movement to invent a new sport: 'Outrage Management,' where players are trained to handle their emotions on the field without causing a media frenzy.. Fact: Rocker's outbursts were so legendary that some sports historians still debate whether he was a pitcher or a stand-up comedian in disguise..