MAY 6, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: States Compete for Autistic Pupils' Enrollment. Impact: This event led to an influx of families in search of better educational resources, which inadvertently turned New Jersey, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania into the Hogwarts of special education. As a result, the states had to invent new spells (and funding) to keep up with the demand, and now every state has a 'Special Education Fund'—so much for the budget cuts.. Fact: Did you know that moving to a new state for better education is the adult version of moving for love? Except instead of heartbreak, you're just heartbroken over the property taxes..
• Headline: Giuliani's Personal Challenges Amid Senate Race. Impact: Giuliani's 'tranquil' period during his prostate cancer battle led to a new political trend: the 'serene candidate.' Many politicians tried to adopt this approach, but they just ended up looking like they were auditioning for a reality show about zen meditation.. Fact: In politics, tranquility often means you're just waiting for the next scandal to drop. It’s like a game of Whack-a-Mole, but with more lawyers involved..
• Headline: Criminal Inquiry into Former CIA Director. Impact: The inquiry into John M Deutch led to a series of 'whoops, my bad' moments in the intelligence community, causing a ripple effect where every C.I.A. employee suddenly started double-checking their security measures. It also prompted a surge in sales for home office safes, because who wants to be the next 'oops' headline?. Fact: Fun fact: The safest place to store classified documents is apparently nowhere near your home computer. Who knew?.
• Headline: You'd Better Know How to Stalk 'Em. Impact: This spotlight on jockey tactics for the Kentucky Derby led to a nationwide increase in competitive stalking skills—both on and off the racetrack. It was the dawn of a new era where people began to take their 'following' on social media way too seriously.. Fact: Stalking in horse racing is basically just a fancy term for 'strategic positioning.' Kind of like how people treat lineups at Starbucks..