APRIL 21, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: USTA Faces Significant Financial Setback. Impact: This deficit led to a series of unfortunate financial decisions, including the U.S.T.A. investing in a trendy startup that sold organic tennis balls. Turns out, the only thing worse than a tennis ball with a price tag of $50 is a tennis ball that bounces like a pancake.. Fact: The U.S.T.A. deficit could have funded a lifetime supply of Gatorade for every tennis player. But hey, who needs hydration when you can have a deficit?.
• Headline: Bronx Museum Invites Jurors to Artistic Lunch. Impact: The success of this lunch initiative led to a nationwide trend of museums offering free food to jurors, ultimately resulting in a bizarre court case over a sandwich that 'influenced' a verdict. The sandwich was never found, but it is believed to have gone into hiding.. Fact: If only jurors could be swayed by pizza instead of art, we might have a much more delicious legal system..
• Headline: Discovery of Dinosaur Heart in Fossil. Impact: This discovery sparked a new interest in dinosaur biology, leading to a 'Jurassic Revival' where dinosaurs were reimagined as cuddly pets. Unfortunately, the idea flopped when 'T-Rex: The Snuggle Buddy' was met with skepticism after a few very realistic maulings.. Fact: Paleontologists now believe that dinosaurs might have had a soft spot for heart-shaped objects, but they were just too busy with their actual hearts to care!.
• Headline: States Declare War On Divorce Rates, Before Any 'I Dos'. Impact: This initiative backfired spectacularly when couples started taking marital education courses and realized they had nothing in common, leading to a spike in pre-marital breakups. Perhaps they should have just stuck to speed dating instead.. Fact: Wisconsin's marriage czar was actually just a really enthusiastic wedding planner who wanted to make 'I do' the new 'I guess we’ll see.'.