APRIL 13, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rao's Cuisine Expands to Midtown Manhattan. Impact: If Rao's hadn't opened its offshoot, the 21st century would have been a culinary wasteland, resulting in a world where only fast food thrived. Thank Rao's for the artisanal avocado toast you're currently Instagramming.. Fact: Despite being phenomenally exclusive, Rao's is known for its 'no reservations' policy – because what's better than a good meal? A good meal you have to fight for!.
• Headline: The Rise of Databaseball in Baseball. Impact: The rise of Databaseball led to fans being tracked so meticulously that by 2040, people would be receiving personalized snack recommendations based on their cheering patterns. We now have a society that’s more informed about nacho toppings than actual world events.. Fact: Before Databaseball, keeping stats on fans involved a lot of guesswork and a magic eight ball. Now, it’s all about algorithms and the occasional creepy facial recognition..
• Headline: NY's Historic Cigarette Fire Risk Legislation. Impact: This bill not only changed cigarette manufacturing but also inspired a generation of inventors who created 'fireproof' everything – from pajamas to the world’s first flame-retardant marshmallow, which ironically, no one wanted to eat.. Fact: If you think about it, New York was really just one step away from a smoking ban that would have made cigarettes extinct, much like the dinosaurs. But hey, at least the dinosaurs didn’t have to deal with 'low fire risk' regulations..
• Headline: In 'Rose,' A Survivor Living on the Other Hand. Impact: Olympia Dukakis's performance in 'Rose' inspired countless aspiring actors and monologuists, leading to an era where everyone thinks they can hold an audience's attention for an hour. Spoiler alert: They can't.. Fact: Olympia Dukakis's portrayal was so powerful that it’s rumored even the chairs in the theater were moved to tears. We should probably check on their emotional well-being..