APRIL 8, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Funding Cuts for Antidrug Units Announced. Impact: The decline of kept women led to an unexpected surge in independent women's movements. Little did they know, this created a future where women would rule the world, and men would be left wondering what happened to their 'kept' status. Spoiler: they were never coming back.. Fact: Did you know that 'kept women' was once a respected profession? Today, we call it 'influencer' and it comes with a hefty Instagram following instead of a sugar daddy..
• Headline: Helen Gurley Brown's Memoir Discussion. Impact: As Zimbabwe faltered, the blame game began. This set off a series of events where every political leader in history began to deflect their own failures onto someone else. The blame dodging became an Olympic sport, and Mugabe was the gold medalist!. Fact: Did you know that in politics, blame can be passed around faster than a hot potato at a family reunion? And just like that potato, it often leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth..
• Headline: As Zimbabwe Falters, Doubts About Who Is Really to Blame. Impact: The speedy return of Elian Gonzalez to Cuba introduced a new wave of grandparents who suddenly became experts in international law. This led to the invention of the 'Grandparent Clause,' ensuring that every grandparent's opinion on custody battles would be treated as gospel.. Fact: Did you know that custody battles are like reality TV for adults? Except, instead of roses, you get court orders and emotional breakdowns. Way less glamorous..
• Headline: U.S. SET TO ORDER A SPEEDY RETURN OF BOY TO FATHER.