JANUARY 25, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Whitman's Generous Budget Proposal for New Jersey. Impact: Whitman's budget proposal led to a state surplus so large that it was eventually used to fund the world's first 'Billionaire's Playground' theme park, where every ride is just a tax break.. Fact: Did you know that New Jersey's state mascot is actually a tax collector in disguise? No wonder they need a bigger budget!.
• Headline: Iowa Caucuses Highlight Bush and Gore's Success. Impact: The Iowa caucuses set the stage for a bizarre political rivalry that led to a series of increasingly absurd campaign ads, culminating in a reality show where candidates had to bake pies while debating policies.. Fact: Did you know that Al Gore once invented the internet? He completely forgot to mention it during his victory speech, though..
• Headline: A Standoff In Serene Vs. Sensual. Impact: The review of Tharp's performance ignited a cultural revolution, resulting in interpretive dance classes replacing gym classes across America. Fitness? Who needs it when you can express your feelings through movement?. Fact: Did you know that ballet slippers are actually just a conspiracy to keep dancers from getting too comfortable? That and toe shoes are secretly designed to enhance the suffering!.
• Headline: Parcells Hands the Coaching Reins Over to Groh. Impact: Parcells handing the reins to Groh resulted in a coaching carousel that led to the invention of the 'coaching merry-go-round,' where coaches are literally swapped like baseball cards every season.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of football, the phrase 'hands the reins over' actually means 'someone's about to be blamed for everything that goes wrong'?.