JANUARY 12, 2000

Full News Archive

• Headline: Johnson and Parcells Shape Jets' Future. Impact: This meeting led to the Jets' infamous coaching carousel, where every decision sparked waves of fans losing their minds and throwing things at their televisions. Who knew plotting a future could result in decades of misery?. Fact: Did you know that the Jets have a better chance of finding Bigfoot than securing a consistent winning season? Just a little fun fact!.
• Headline: Tragedy Unfolds in King Hedley II. Impact: This theatrical production inspired countless future writers to combine drama and sports, ultimately leading to the genre of 'tragedy in sports commentary.' A true gift to the world.. Fact: August Wilson's plays often explore deep themes. But hey, who needs a happy ending when you can have grandeur and betrayal?.
• Headline: Jets Sold for Record $635 Million. Impact: This purchase set off a chain reaction of overpriced franchises, where team owners began to think their wallets were bottomless pits. Spoiler alert: They're not. It also led to the Jets' continued search for a coach who can actually coach.. Fact: Robert Wood Johnson IV probably thought he was buying a team, but it turns out he just acquired a state-of-the-art stress machine. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: In Yet Another Profit Alert, Bank One Sees 19% Decrease. Impact: This profit warning set a precedent for banks everywhere to issue 'just kidding' alerts, leading to a financial rollercoaster that left investors dizzy and unsure if they were buying stocks or a ticket to a horror show.. Fact: Did you know that if you put all the profit warnings from Bank One end to end, they’d stretch all the way to the moon? Okay, not really, but it sure feels like it!.