NOVEMBER 26, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Boxer Stephan Johnson's Tragic Fight History. Impact: The tragic fate of Stephan Johnson sparked outrage that led to the creation of stricter health regulations in boxing. Ironically, this resulted in a different kind of knockout: the boxing industry getting knocked out of the headlines in favor of more thrilling sports like competitive knitting.. Fact: Boxing has been around since ancient Greece, and yet somehow, we still haven't figured out that hitting people in the head repeatedly might not be the best idea for their long-term health..
• Headline: Abortion Seen As Pivotal Issue In Senate Race. Impact: This headline marked a turning point in political debates, leading to countless hours of televised arguments filled with shouting and not a single useful policy proposal. It paved the way for future generations to think that politics is just reality TV but with more expensive suits.. Fact: Interestingly, the more politicians argue about abortion, the less they seem to notice that they’re being scammed by lobbyists right under their noses. They really should invest in some mirrors..
• Headline: Teachers in Chicago Schools Follow Script From Day 001. Impact: The introduction of scripted lesson plans turned teachers into mere puppets of the education system, which later inspired a generation of students to wonder if they were just part of an elaborate social experiment orchestrated by coffee-loving bureaucrats.. Fact: Standardized lesson plans are often considered a great way to ensure that no child's creativity or critical thinking is stifled. Oh wait, I meant to say 'stifled' instead of 'stimulated.' Oops..