OCTOBER 15, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: S.E.C. Inquiry: A CEO's Unexpected Relief. Impact: If Allen D Rice hadn't welcomed the S.E.C. probe, he might have been forced to find a real job, leading to a world where CEOs actually had to understand basic economics instead of just glossing over it. Imagine the horror of actual responsibility!. Fact: In the world of finance, 'investigation' is just a fancy word for 'let's see how many ways we can spin this to keep my yacht.'.
• Headline: Yankees Triumph in ALCS Against Red Sox. Impact: The Yankees' win over the Red Sox was the first domino in a long chain of events leading to countless Red Sox fans crying into their overpriced beers, a tradition that continues to this day.. Fact: The Yankees and Red Sox rivalry is so intense that even their hot dogs come with a side of drama and existential dread..
• Headline: Ghosts of Detroit's Past In Ford's Old Buildings. Impact: Ford's old buildings disappearing is a metaphor for how corporations treat history—only valuable until they need to make room for a new, shiny toy. Next up: a Ford-branded theme park where nostalgia goes to die.. Fact: Detroit's history is like a romantic comedy; it starts off strong, but eventually, it's just sad buildings and missed opportunities..
• Headline: Life 101: Useful Skills for College and Beyond. Impact: The rise of life-skills seminars indicates a future where college students finally learn how to adult, which is great until they realize they actually have to do their own laundry and can't just call Mom.. Fact: Life-skills seminars are basically just an admission that college is a glorified daycare for confused adults with student loans..