JULY 29, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mets Dominate Pirates in Season Opener. Impact: If Rogers had tripped while running the bases, the Mets might have invented a new sport: Base Tripping. Fast forward to 2023, and we’d have millions of fans watching people fall instead of play.. Fact: Valentine's Day is all about love, but apparently not for the Mets this season. Maybe they should've sent a card or two..
• Headline: UGI's Strategic Share Buyback Announcement. Impact: When UGI decided to buy back shares, it sparked a fascination with buybacks, leading to a future where corporations would hoard their shares like a dragon hoarding gold, causing a stock market treasure hunt.. Fact: In the world of finance, share buybacks are like parents promising to take you to Disneyland but then just driving around the block instead..
• Headline: Tab for Washington Lobbying: $1.42 Billion. Impact: The $1.42 billion spent on lobbying paved the way for future generations to believe that money could indeed buy happiness—at least in politics. Welcome to the circus.. Fact: If only that $1.42 billion was spent on actual happiness initiatives instead of lobbying, we might have had a much brighter political landscape!.
• Headline: Humming Off Key For Two Decades. Impact: The Walkman's 20-year celebration led to a worldwide obsession with portable music, ultimately culminating in the invention of the earbuds—because who doesn't want to look like they're talking to themselves?. Fact: The Walkman made it socially acceptable to ignore everyone around you with a soundtrack. Thanks, Sony!.
• Headline: Compaq Plans To Cut Staff By Up to 12%. Impact: Compaq’s decision to cut jobs set off a trend where tech companies began playing musical chairs with employment numbers, leading to a future where job security became as rare as a unicorn.. Fact: In the tech world, job cuts are like a bad haircut: painful, always regretted, but somehow everyone thinks it looks good..
• Headline: The Big City; Clean Up City? Not Unless It's City Hall Way. Impact: The refusal to clean up neighborhoods inspired future mayors to redefine 'urban beautification' as simply painting over the problems, leading to a future where aesthetics won over practicality.. Fact: New York City's approach to cleanliness is like that friend who only cleans their room when guests are coming over. Spoiler: it never works out well..
• Headline: Lights to Ease Boomers Down the Road. Impact: Innovations in lighting for aging drivers led to a future where all cars were equipped with disco lights, ensuring that every drive became a party—safety be damned.. Fact: Now that Baby Boomers are aging, we just hope their headlights don’t outshine their driving skills. Fingers crossed!.
• Headline: Stench Is Out, Fish Are In; Gowanus Canal Comes Back to Life After Rescue. Impact: The Gowanus Canal's revival not only restored marine life but also inspired a new wave of urban eco-activism, eventually leading to the hashtag #SaveOurStinkyWaters.. Fact: The Gowanus Canal was once so polluted that it made the Hudson River look like a luxury spa. Now, it’s a tad better—fish included!.