JULY 17, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: French Golfer Leads Despite Over Par Score. Impact: If only that French golfer had known he'd inspire a generation of golfers to wear berets and sip espresso while complaining about the pace of play, the golf world would be a much more fashionable place.. Fact: Did you know that golf was once considered a game for people with too much time and too little sense? Oh wait, it still is!.
• Headline: Burton S. Dreben: Harvard Negotiator Remembered. Impact: Burton S. Dreben's negotiating skills not only saved Harvard from chaos but also inadvertently led to the rise of student-led protests around the world, where students demand Wi-Fi and vegan options in the cafeteria.. Fact: Burton's negotiation tactics were so smooth that even his coffee budget was under constant discussion..
• Headline: June Industrial Production Rises 0.2%. Impact: This 0.2% production increase was the spark that led to countless businesses believing they could actually afford to hire more staff, which, spoiler alert, they didn't. The economy just loves that rollercoaster ride!. Fact: Fun fact: 0.2% is also the percentage of people who care about industrial production reports during happy hour..
• Headline: Agreement at Last in Albany On $73 Billion Budget Plan. Impact: The $73 billion budget agreement would go on to inspire a never-ending cycle of budget negotiations that could make even a caffeinated squirrel lose interest in politics.. Fact: Did you know that agreeing on a budget is the adult version of deciding where to go for dinner with friends? Spoiler: nobody wins..
• Headline: Grand Jury Refuses to Indict in Assisted Suicide. Impact: Dr. Marco Zancope's refusal to be indicted may have set a precedent for future cases, where people began to wonder if they could just ask their friends for a little help with their existential dread and get away with it.. Fact: Fun fact: In some states, asking for a friend’s help is punishable by endless debates about morality and ethics—no thanks!.
• Headline: Y.M.C.A. in Chelsea Sheds Its Tenants; 34 Men Used to Single Rooms Know New Homes Will Be Hard to Find. Impact: The YMCA's decision to shed its tenants might have resulted in a nationwide trend of luxury gyms displacing low-income individuals, leading to the rise of parkour as a sport for the economically displaced.. Fact: Did you know that the YMCA was once just a place for men to go and sing? Now, it's where people go to sweat and avoid actual social interaction..
• Headline: Joe Hyman, 77, Established British Textile Empire in 60's. Impact: Joe Hyman's legacy might just be the reason why British textiles are still a thing, and why every hipster café thinks they need to showcase 'authentic' British fabric in their décor.. Fact: Fun fact: Joe Hyman's textile empire was so vast that even the sheep were starting to feel overworked..
• Headline: Both Parties Offer Tax-Cut Plans in Senate. Impact: The competing tax-cut plans gave rise to the phrase 'bipartisan cooperation', which has since been proven to be as real as unicorns and honest politicians.. Fact: Did you know that tax plans are like diets? Everyone's got one, but nobody really sticks to it for long..
• Headline: The Health Care Vote: Looking Ahead. Impact: The Senate's failure to pass a health care bill led to a series of comedy sketches on healthcare debates, making comedians around the world eternally grateful for the material.. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'managed health care' sounds suspiciously like an oxymoron, much like 'jumbo shrimp' and 'political integrity'..