JULY 16, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: House Vote on Religious Liberty Bill. Impact: This bill sets a precedent that will lead to countless debates on rights, resulting in awkward Thanksgiving dinners for generations to come as family members argue over whether the turkey is more sacred than the stuffing.. Fact: Did you know that if religious liberty had a Tinder profile, it would swipe right on civil rights... but only after a few drinks?.
• Headline: Unemployment Trends in New York City. Impact: The rising unemployment would eventually lead to an explosion of gig economy jobs that offer terrible pay and no benefits, leading to the invention of the phrase 'side hustle'—which will become everyone's new favorite excuse for being broke.. Fact: Did you know that unemployment rates are like a bad ex? They just keep creeping back when you least expect it!.
• Headline: City Hall Takes Action Against Con Edison. Impact: This lawsuit ignites a series of legal battles over utility regulations, eventually resulting in the invention of the phrase 'sorry for the inconvenience' becoming a corporate motto in the 21st century.. Fact: Did you know that having an 18-hour blackout actually inspired a new trendy sleep technique called 'the blackout nap'?.
• Headline: On Fire in Meadowlands: Springsteen Is Back. Impact: Springsteen's return to the stage sets off a chain reaction of nostalgia that leads to an explosion of '80s music revivals and dad jeans making a comeback—sorry, everyone.. Fact: Did you know that Bruce Springsteen could probably sing the phone book and still draw a crowd larger than most politicians?.
• Headline: The Parade Of Corporate Sponsors; Marketers Line Up to Link Their Names to Events. Impact: This flood of corporate sponsorships creates a world where every event is sponsored by someone, making 'free' pretty much extinct. Get ready for a future where your local park is named 'The McDonald's Serenity Oasis.'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more corporate than a corporate sponsor is the number of corporate sponsors trying to be cooler than the last corporate sponsor?.
• Headline: Near Detroit, a Familiar Sting in Being a Black Driver. Impact: This incident sparks ongoing discussions about racial profiling, leading to countless awkward encounters and hashtags, turning social media into a battleground of opinions and memes.. Fact: Did you know that being a black driver in America can sometimes feel like playing a game of 'Guess Who?' but with police instead of friends?.
• Headline: SBC-DirecTV Deal Is Set, Executives Say. Impact: The partnership leads to a future where cable companies become the ultimate gatekeepers of entertainment, resulting in a world where everyone has 17 different subscriptions just to watch one show.. Fact: Did you know that this partnership was like two awkward kids in school trying to combine their lunchboxes to avoid eating alone?.
• Headline: Woman in Child Servitude Case Faced a Neglect Complaint in 1988. Impact: This case sheds light on the darker side of child welfare, eventually leading to reforms that will be debated for decades, and every time someone brings it up, you’ll cringe a little thinking about how dark the world can be.. Fact: Did you know that if child abuse were a sport, those responsible would definitely be in the Hall of Shame, but sadly, there’s no NFL for that?.
• Headline: Town Hushed in '95 Crackdown Sees No Reason to Join Iran Riots. Impact: The subdued response to unrest leads to a culture of complacency that makes future protests more confusing, as people are left wondering if they should be outraged or just quietly scrolling through their phones.. Fact: Did you know that sometimes being quiet isn't peaceful? It's just people trying to avoid awkward conversations about politics..
• Headline: U.S. in a Push To Bar Vaccine Given to Infants. Impact: This push for vaccine suspension will lead to a public health crisis where misinformation spreads faster than any virus, and soon everyone will have an opinion on vaccines—without ever having read a medical journal.. Fact: Did you know that if vaccines had a Twitter account, it would be the most controversial figure since... well, any celebrity trying to share their political views?.