JULY 14, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton's Food Stamp Enrollment Initiative. Impact: This food stamp initiative somehow leads to a future where grocery stores have entire aisles dedicated to organic kale, leaving many nostalgic for the days of ramen noodles. Who knew hunger would become trendy?. Fact: Did you know that food stamps have been around since the Great Depression? Talk about a long line of nostalgia!.
• Headline: The Red Cat: A Culinary Review. Impact: The glowing review of The Red Cat inadvertently sparks a nationwide obsession with bistro-style dining—leading to the rise of overpriced avocado toast everywhere. Thanks, Grimes!. Fact: Fun fact: Bistro owners everywhere now think that adding 'really nice' to their menus is a guaranteed way to attract customers. Spoiler: it isn’t..
• Headline: Pancevo's Toxic Legacy After NATO Bombing. Impact: The bombing of Pancevo leads to the development of a new line of eco-friendly cleaning products—because nothing says 'I care' like cleaning up after a toxic disaster.. Fact: Did you know that after a disaster, people often rush to buy cleaning supplies? Maybe they think bleach will clean up all the bad decisions too!.
• Headline: Serb Opposition Leader Now Plans Protests. Impact: Draskovic's protests inspire future leaders to take to the streets with hashtags instead of signs, leading to a new era where tweeting is the preferred method of political activism.. Fact: Did you know that street protests can sometimes lead to significant political change? Just not the kind you see on social media..
• Headline: The Spotlight Shifts to the W.N.B.A. and Its Stars. Impact: The WNBA's All-Star Game inadvertently leads to a global movement where women's sports finally get the recognition they deserve—right before everyone forgets about it again.. Fact: Did you know that the WNBA's All-Star Game was a big deal? It’s where the ladies finally got to show the world that they can dunk too—just not at the same time as the men, apparently..
• Headline: MURDER CHARGES FILED BY FLORIDA IN VALUJET CRASH. Impact: These murder charges lead to an eventual overhaul of aviation safety regulations, resulting in a future where passengers are forced to listen to safety instructions that no one pays attention to.. Fact: Did you know that every time you ignore an in-flight safety demonstration, a flight attendant sheds a tear? True story!.
• Headline: OFF THE MENU. Impact: The opening of the Palm restaurant leads to a nationwide trend of people saying they 'eat out' when they really mean they microwave frozen dinners at home. Progress!. Fact: Did you know that the first Palm restaurant opened in 1926? Back then, the only thing on the menu was 'meat'—and they didn’t even specify what kind!.
• Headline: Aaron S. Lapin, Reddi-wip Creator, Dies at 85. Impact: Lapin's death triggers a global shortage of whipped cream, leading to a culinary crisis where desserts become tragically dry and sad.. Fact: Did you know that Reddi-wip was originally invented to make whipped cream easier? Who knew making desserts easier could lead to such a tragic loss!.
• Headline: Judge Orders a City to Remove Fish Symbol From Official Seal. Impact: This federal court decision leads to a future where cities start removing all religious symbols, resulting in a bizarre world where every public space looks like a corporate office.. Fact: Did you know that the ichthus symbol has been around since the early Christians? Apparently, it’s now as outdated as a flip phone in a smartphone world..
• Headline: 2 Candidates Are Leaving Republican Race. Impact: With Kasich and Smith leaving the race, the Republican party decides to double down on memes instead of policies, leading to a future where politics is a never-ending roast.. Fact: Did you know that in politics, dropping out isn't really dropping out? It's more like 'I'll be back'... just with fewer memes and more sad faces..