JULY 10, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Fund-Raising Against Clinton's Senate Bid. Impact: Hillary's campaign sparked such intense GOP fundraising that it inadvertently led to the creation of a secret society of fundraisers who now meet in a basement to plot ways to defeat imaginary candidates. Yes, they really think they’re that important. Fact: Did you know that the G.O.P. fundraising meetings became so intense that they have their own theme song? It's called 'Money, Money, Money' and yes, it's as catchy and cringe-worthy as it sounds.
• Headline: Hillary Clinton Supports Dairy Farmers. Impact: Hillary's dairy farmer support led to the rise of artisanal cheese shops across America. Who knew that a single campaign tour could turn every hipster into a cheese connoisseur?. Fact: Fun fact: Milk prices skyrocketed so much that it actually became cheaper to buy a cow than a gallon of organic milk in some areas. Moo-ve over, grocery stores!.
• Headline: A Flock Divided; In Rochester, Choice Is Between Priest and Catholic Church. Impact: The division in Rochester’s flock set a precedent for future church splits, leading to the creation of new denominations like 'The Church of the Perpetually Confused.'. Fact: Interestingly, church splits have been so common that some theologians believe that the first church disagreement was over which side of the bread should be buttered.
• Headline: FEDERAL INQUIRY CRITICIZES POLICE IN NEW YORK CITY. Impact: The federal inquiry into the NYPD led to the creation of a new superhero team called 'The Bureaucratic Avengers,' who fight crime with paperwork and endless investigations. Fact: Did you know that the only superpower the Bureaucratic Avengers have is the ability to make problems seem even more complicated? They're practically heroes in paperwork!.
• Headline: Three Sentenced in Archer Daniels Midland Case. Impact: The sentencing of ADM executives led to the rise of corporate accountability, resulting in more whistleblowers and a decline in the phrase 'What happens in the boardroom stays in the boardroom.'. Fact: Fun fact: The executives thought they were getting a slap on the wrist, but it turns out they were actually sentenced to a lifetime of reading corporate ethics manuals. Ouch!.
• Headline: About New York; Motley Crowd Calls Park Special Place. Impact: The murder in Tompkins Square Park led to an influx of hipsters who claimed they were 'just trying to connect with the park’s rich history.' Spoiler: they were only there for the Instagram posts. Fact: Did you know that the park has been home to more characters than a soap opera? If only the trees could talk, they'd have some juicy gossip!.
• Headline: Muslims Denounce Gephardt For Withdrawing a Nominee. Impact: Gephardt’s withdrawal of a nominee ignited a firestorm of controversy that eventually led to the invention of a new political game: 'Nominee Dodgeball,' where the only rule is to avoid being hit by public backlash. Fact: Fun fact: The game became so popular that it was rumored to be a new Olympic sport. Who needs javelins when you have political nominees?.
• Headline: Some Internet Stock Offerings Are Quiet Except for All the Shouting. Impact: The stock offering noise led to an influx of amateur stockbrokers who thought yelling on the phone made them professionals. Spoiler: It didn’t. Fact: Did you know that the quiet period became so loud that stockbrokers had to wear earplugs? Who knew finance could be such a racket?.
• Headline: Bruno Voices His Support for Easing the Stringent Rockefeller-Era Drug Laws. Impact: Bruno's support for easing drug laws inadvertently inspired a generation of politicians to think they could solve all problems with a simple 'let's make it legal' approach. Spoiler: it didn't work for everything. Fact: Fun fact: Bruno’s comments led to the rise of 'Drug Law Reform Karaoke Nights,' where participants could sing about their favorite policies. The results were... interesting.