JULY 9, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Task Force Established Amid Police Shootings. Impact: The formation of this task force led to a never-ending cycle of investigations that eventually resulted in the creation of more task forces, which ironically had to investigate the original task forces for civil rights violations. Welcome to bureaucratic inception!. Fact: They say a task force is just a fancy way to say 'we're going to talk about this for a long time without actually solving anything.'.
• Headline: Fraud Indictment Against A S Goldmen & Co. Impact: The indictment of A S Goldmen & Co marked the beginning of a long tradition of Wall Street firms getting caught red-handed, only to emerge later with a new name and a fresh set of shady practices. It's like a game of corporate whack-a-mole!. Fact: In the world of finance, the only thing more inflated than stock prices is the number of excuses these firms come up with when they get caught..
• Headline: Sports of The Times; Baseball's Pistachio Ice Cream. Impact: Baseball's pistachio ice cream became a local sensation, leading to a bizarre trend where fans began bringing bizarre desserts to games, ultimately culminating in the infamous 'Hot Dog and Pickle Sundae' incident of '99.. Fact: Pistachio ice cream at a baseball game? How very avant-garde. Next, they'll be serving kale smoothies at the Super Bowl!.
• Headline: Making a Belated Pilgrimage. Impact: Clinton's tour of poverty sparked a nationwide debate that led to countless think pieces and social media posts, but ultimately resulted in... well, not much. Some things never change!. Fact: Touring poverty is a bit like going to a zoo and staring at the animals—you can observe all you want, but it doesn't change the cages they're in..
• Headline: Think Again Before Borrowing a Cup of Sugar. Impact: This headline set off a chain reaction of neighborly suspicion that led to a new social norm: instead of borrowing sugar, people just tossed it over the fence while yelling, 'Stay away from my cookies!'. Fact: In the age of paranoia, borrowing a cup of sugar is now akin to inviting someone over for a secret handshake and a background check..
• Headline: V.A. Chief, Under Fire, Is Said To Plan an Early Departure. Impact: West's resignation signaled the beginning of a revolving door for government officials, where people could just pop in, mess things up, and leave without consequence, making it the ultimate career move in Washington.. Fact: In politics, resigning is just a polite way of saying 'I’m outta here!' while leaving behind a flaming bag of dog poop for someone else to deal with..
• Headline: Gephardt Bows To Jews' Anger Over a Nominee. Impact: Gephardt’s withdrawal of the nominee resulted in a chain reaction where political correctness became the name of the game, leading politicians to tiptoe so carefully that they almost needed ballet training.. Fact: In politics, the only thing more volatile than a controversial nominee is the public’s opinion. Spoiler: it’s always messy!.