MAY 29, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Concerns Over Medicaid Managed Care Shift. Impact: If this plan had been implemented successfully, we might have seen an influx of disgruntled Medicaid clients forming a new health care rebellion, leading to the rise of underground clinics run by former doctors and a black market for aspirin. Who knows, maybe Starbucks would have started offering 'health care lattes'!. Fact: Did you know that H.M.O.s are often confused with the 'HMO' that stands for 'How Many Outrageous?' because that's how many patients they often leave without care?.
• Headline: The Organized Tragedy of Kosovo's Purge. Impact: The meticulous planning of ethnic cleansing not only changed the demographics of Kosovo but also inspired a whole genre of dystopian novels where people plot to remove others from existence with the precision of a well-oiled machine. Thanks, history!. Fact: The purging of ethnic Albanians was so organized that I wouldn't be surprised if they had a PowerPoint presentation on how to do it efficiently..
• Headline: Al Gore Discusses Faith and Policy. Impact: Gore's call for a partnership between government and faith-based organizations could have led to a future where public schools were run by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Imagine the curriculum!. Fact: Al Gore’s faith is so deep that it actually has its own Wikipedia page. It’s like a sequel to 'An Inconvenient Truth' but with more miracles!.
• Headline: National News Briefs; Shuttle Discovery Docks To International Station. Impact: This docking marked a pivotal moment in human space exploration, leading to the inevitable space tourism where rich people pay to float in zero gravity and pretend they’re astronauts while eating freeze-dried ice cream. Thanks, Discovery!. Fact: The International Space Station has been continuously inhabited for over 20 years, making it the longest-running reality show in history... and still no one has won a million dollars!.
• Headline: Hoop Dreams, Not War Games; From Montenegro to the N.B.A., Radojevic Has High Hopes. Impact: Radojevic's dreams may have inspired countless underdogs to believe they could make it to the NBA, leading to a wave of 7-foot-3-inch players flooding the league, thus reshaping the game into a bizarre version of basketball where everyone just stands around and reaches for the rim.. Fact: Radojevic was so tall that when he walked into a room, it was classified as a 'high-risk area' for low door frames!.
• Headline: Bill Seeks a Warning On Concert Tickets. Impact: This bill could lead to a future where teenagers are bombarded with warnings on concert tickets, making them more likely to attend those concerts just to rebel against the system. Thanks, Michigan, for keeping coolness on its toes!. Fact: The warning labels on concert tickets might have inspired the idea of warning labels on other things, like relationships: 'Caution: May Cause Emotional Distress'..
• Headline: Clean Cars Get Real; Makers of Hybrid Vehicles Add Fuel to Electric Mix. Impact: The advancements in hybrid vehicles could have led to a world where cars run on nothing but the tears of environmentalists. Imagine the gas stations turning into therapy centers!. Fact: The Tour de Sol race is the only race where the winners are determined not by speed but by how calm they can stay while driving a silent car..
• Headline: The Yanks Reap the Benefits of Grimsley's Relief. Impact: The Yankees' victory over the Blue Jays created a ripple effect that solidified New York as a sports powerhouse, eventually leading to the legendary moment when a pigeon threw a game-winning pitch during the World Series.. Fact: Yankees fans are so dedicated that they can recite the team’s history faster than they can say 'I’m not superstitious, but…'..