MAY 16, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dispute Over Circumcision in New Jersey. Impact: If Todd had just let the whole circumcision debate slide, who knows? Maybe New Jersey would be a little less litigious and a lot more relaxed about parenting choices, leading to a future where toddlers run wild and parents actually enjoy their coffee breaks.. Fact: In some cultures, circumcision is a rite of passage, while in others it’s just a good reason to throw a party. So, who's up for a celebration?.
• Headline: Colombia's Ceded Land and Guerrilla Control. Impact: The Colombian rebels taking over this area was like hitting the snooze button on peace talks. This led to decades of ongoing conflict, which probably inspired countless movies and documentaries that no one actually watched.. Fact: Interestingly, the phrase 'you can’t negotiate with terrorists' doesn’t apply here because, apparently, you can negotiate—just never expect it to work out..
• Headline: Firefighter Benefits. Impact: By giving volunteer firefighters pensions, Mamaroneck effectively created a new generation of retirees who spend their golden years recounting their heroic tales of putting out fires... or taking long naps.. Fact: Because nothing says 'thank you for your service' like a pension plan that kicks in at 65! Just in time for bingo night..
• Headline: Madam of Morristown Bordello Must Do Community Service. Impact: Judith Kelly Dempsey’s community service sentencing was likely the catalyst for the 'You Can't Make This Stuff Up' section of future law textbooks. It’s a wonder this didn’t start a wave of similar sentences for other offenders.. Fact: In an ironic twist, helping prostitutes might just be the best community service gig ever. Who needs a boring library when you can work with... interesting people?.
• Headline: Is Private School Worth It? That's an Essay Question; Parents and Educators Agree the Beauty Is in the Choices, But Studies Show High Achievers Will Do Well Anywhere. Impact: The debate over private vs. public schools probably fueled a future of endless discussions at dinner tables, with parents arguing whether they should fork over cash for private education or just let their kids figure it out in public school chaos.. Fact: Studies show that high achievers do well anywhere, especially if you give them a strong Wi-Fi signal and an unlimited supply of snacks..
• Headline: Yonkers Translator. Impact: Violet Bucaj’s translation efforts probably contributed to the creation of a future where immigrants were better integrated into society... or at least made it easier for them to complain about the weather in English.. Fact: Translating for immigrants can be tough work! Just imagine trying to explain why American coffee is so bad..
• Headline: No, That Wasn't a Squirrel. Some Call It an Invasion.. Impact: The rat counterattack in Brooklyn may have inspired future generations to stage larger and more elaborate protests against the rodent population, leading to a bizarre but highly entertaining series of 'Rat Hunts' on social media.. Fact: Rats are just like us—they prefer to live in neighborhoods with lots of food options. Clearly, Park Slope is a gourmet haven!.
• Headline: The World: Big Chill; It's Not the Cold War, but There's a Nip in the Air. Impact: The distrust between China, Russia, and the U.S. likely spiraled into a complex web of international relations that still has diplomats scratching their heads and searching for the perfect icebreaker.. Fact: NATO mistakenly bombing the Chinese embassy? Now that’s just awkward. Imagine the post-bombing dinner conversation!.
• Headline: Surveillance Cameras. Impact: The installation of surveillance cameras in Peekskill was the first step toward the dystopian future where everyone is always being watched—but hey, at least you can’t steal a parking space without being caught!. Fact: Surveillance cameras: because nothing says 'we trust you' like keeping an eye on you at all times!.