MAY 8, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Clinton Faces $496,000 Legal Claim. Impact: If Clinton had just paid his lawyers on time, perhaps they would have opened a successful pizza place instead. Now, they’re probably bitterly discussing legal fees over a slice of cold pizza as they plot future cases against politicians.. Fact: In a world where lawyers didn’t have to chase after overdue payments, we might have fewer television shows about legal dramas. Imagine that!.
• Headline: Clinton Proposes Bosnia Model for Kosovo. Impact: Had Clinton not referenced Bosnia, we might have skipped over a decade of US foreign policy discussions that were much more focused on brunch and less on international conflict. Who doesn't love a good avocado toast instead of peacekeeping?. Fact: NATO stands for 'Never Actually Tackling Offense'... Kidding! It actually stands for North Atlantic Treaty Organization, but wouldn't it be fun if it was the other way?.
• Headline: Mourning's Influence on Heat Playoff Strategy. Impact: Alonzo Mourning's temper control could have inspired a series of self-help books that would be on every influencer's reading list. Now, all we have left are memes about his playoff performances. Thanks, basketball.. Fact: Mourning’s nickname, 'Zo', sounds like a cool superhero, but sadly, he only saves basketball games, not the world..
• Headline: 2 Shippers Agree to Stay In Harbor. Impact: If Sea-Land and Maersk had moved to Baltimore, the local economy might’ve boomed, leading to a shortage of crabs in Maryland. Imagine that catastrophe! No crabs means no crab cakes, and who would want to live in a world without crab cakes?. Fact: The Port Authority of New York and New Jersey is like a big, dysfunctional family—everyone has their own agenda, and no one knows how to compromise..
• Headline: Heir to a Fortune, and to Tragedy; Suicide Ends the Life of a Wealthy, and Haunted, Man. Impact: William Woodward's tragic end might have inadvertently sparked a legacy of mental health awareness. Had he lived, he might have started a foundation, changing lives one therapy session at a time.. Fact: Tragedy often walks hand-in-hand with wealth, and while money can't buy happiness, it sure can buy a very elaborate therapist's couch..
• Headline: Jets Are Chartered For Israelis in U.S. To Get Out to Vote. Impact: If thousands of Israeli citizens hadn’t flown back to vote, we might have seen an entirely different political landscape in Israel. Or maybe just a lot more bored people staying in the US.. Fact: Flying home to vote is the political equivalent of an extreme sport. Who knew democracy could be so physically demanding?.
• Headline: Who'll Take the Driver's Seat?; Barclays at a Crossroads, With Questions on Leadership. Impact: If Barclays had made a timely decision, we might not have had to endure years of headlines about banking crises and leadership struggles. Instead, we could have been reading about their new line of organic coffee.. Fact: Banking is the only profession where you can lose millions and still have a job the next day. Talk about job security!.
• Headline: Not in Kansas Anymore . . .. Impact: If the theater had gone on without a hitch, we might have avoided an influx of overly dramatic Instagram posts about 'theater life'. Oh wait, never mind, that still happened.. Fact: Theater: where you pay to watch people pretend to be someone else, and then you go home to wonder why you can’t get your life together..