APRIL 27, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cocoa Prices Plummet Amid Surplus. Impact: The collapse of cocoa prices led to a worldwide chocolate shortage in 2025, causing mass hysteria and the rise of black market chocolate dealers. Who knew chocolate could be the next Bitcoin?. Fact: Did you know that cocoa beans were once used as currency? So much for the value of a dollar!.
• Headline: UPN Chooses Dweck for Creative Assignment. Impact: Dweck Inc.'s triumph over the creative assignment led to a nationwide trend of agencies being named after random people, resulting in the birth of 'Bob's Marketing' and 'Sue's Branding'.. Fact: UPN? Yeah, that was a thing! You know, before they merged into the vast void of forgotten television networks..
• Headline: Uncovered Short Positions Are 3% Higher on Nasdaq. Impact: The increase in uncovered short positions on Nasdaq foreshadowed a future where Wall Street was run by fortune tellers and crystal balls, with stock predictions based on tarot readings.. Fact: Short selling: where you bet against a company's success. Because who doesn't love rooting for the underdog to fail?.
• Headline: In Macedonia, Lost Children Wait Helplessly for Reunions. Impact: The plight of lost children in Macedonia prompted the creation of a global awareness campaign—'Find a Kid, Find a Heart'—which later became a popular reality show. Because nothing says compassion like ratings.. Fact: The Kosovo refugee crisis was a real-life tug-of-war that left many families in limbo, but hey, what’s a little chaos in the name of geopolitics?.
• Headline: AT&T Is Said to Join N.T.T. In a Japanese Phone Venture. Impact: AT&T’s partnership with NTT set off a domino effect in telecom, with other companies scrambling to join forces, leading to the launch of 'Global Tele-Alliance: The Ultimate Phone Plan'—complete with a monthly fee of your firstborn.. Fact: AT&T: because nothing says 'trust us with your communication' like a company that once had a monopoly on telephones!.
• Headline: Persistence Gets a Job For a Doctor, In the Balkans. Impact: Dr. Walser's decision to help Kosovo refugees inspired a new trend in medical volunteering, leading to a reality TV series called 'Survivor: Medical Edition' where doctors battled it out for the title of 'Most Compassionate'.. Fact: Dr. Walser went from saving lives in the Bronx to saving lives in a war zone, proving that heroes come in scrubs—not capes..