APRIL 20, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rising Orange Juice Prices Explained. Impact: If only Florida's oranges could have whispered to the weather gods, we might have avoided a future where everyone starts drinking kale juice instead. Thanks, dry spell!. Fact: In the U.S., orange juice is often considered a breakfast staple, but in Florida, it's basically a state religion..
• Headline: Asian Markets Rally Amid Economic Revival. Impact: This rally was the economic equivalent of a toddler’s sugar rush—exciting for a moment, but everyone knew it would crash hard. In the future, analysts will be desperately searching for the next sugar high.. Fact: Asian stock markets are like roller coasters: thrilling, terrifying, and sometimes you just want to throw up..
• Headline: Bradley Takes Early Party Prize: He Goes One-on-One With Gore. Impact: Bradley’s rise could be seen as a butterfly flapping its wings, leading to the eventual emergence of political narratives that everyone loves to argue about in coffee shops. Who knew nostalgia could be so politically potent?. Fact: Bill Bradley once played for the New York Knicks, proving that sports and politics are just two sides of the same coin—both filled with delusions of grandeur..
• Headline: Take Some Strychnine and Call Me in the Morning. Impact: The reissue of the Merck Manual might have inspired countless medical students to dive into their textbooks instead of partying, thus potentially creating a generation of overachievers—if only they knew how to party responsibly.. Fact: The Merck Manual is basically the 'How To' guide for doctors, but most people just Google their symptoms and self-diagnose instead. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: G.O.P. Congressman On Belgrade Mission. Impact: Saxton’s surprise mission to Belgrade might have inadvertently led to a spate of clandestine meetings that would have future politicians shaking in their boots. Who knew diplomacy could be so... surprising?. Fact: Politicians meeting in secret is like a high school gossip session—except with way more consequences and fewer snacks..
• Headline: U S West to Buy Equipment From Lucent. Impact: This deal with Lucent was like handing out candy in a candy store; it set off a telecommunications boom that would eventually lead to every household having more gadgets than they know what to do with.. Fact: In the future, we’ll look back at the early days of telecommunications and laugh at how we thought a landline was the pinnacle of technology..
• Headline: Special NATO Pilot Was Ordered to Bomb Convoy, Belgrade Says. Impact: The Serbian allegations about NATO pilots might have sparked a frenzy of conspiracy theories that would echo throughout history, leading to more distrust and paranoia than a family reunion at Thanksgiving.. Fact: War and conspiracy have a long history together—like peanut butter and jelly, but far less appetizing..
• Headline: I.B.M. to Revamp British Telecom Systems. Impact: IBM’s contract with British Telecom was like giving a tech-savvy grandparent a new smartphone; it set the stage for an avalanche of technological advancements that would leave many older generations confused and frustrated.. Fact: IBM's name is so iconic that if you say it three times in a row, a tech support representative will magically appear to help you troubleshoot your problems..
• Headline: Airlines' Customer Service Decreased in '98, Study Says. Impact: The decline in airline customer service was the opening act for the age of online reviews; soon, every passenger would become a critic, shaping the future of air travel with their scathing Yelp reviews.. Fact: Airlines are so notorious for bad service that even the snacks they serve are basically just a cry for help..