APRIL 13, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: George Allen Announces Senate Run in Virginia. Impact: If George Allen hadn’t announced his Senate run, Virginia might have become a hotbed for vegan, yoga-loving, tree-huggers instead of conservative politicians. Who knew a Senate seat could lead to an entire state’s political branding?. Fact: Did you know that George Allen once lost a re-election bid due to a 'macaca' moment? Guess the universe just wanted to keep the drama alive!.
• Headline: Concerns Over Shipbuilding Takeover. Impact: The denial of General Dynamics' takeover could have led to a shortage of ships, which might have resulted in a rise in pirate activity on the East Coast. Just imagine the swashbuckling chaos. Arrrr!. Fact: Fun fact: 'Newport News' was originally named 'Newportesnewes.' So, it’s not just the shipbuilding that’s confusing!.
• Headline: China's Espionage and U.S. Response. Impact: The dismissal of China's espionage led to a series of events that ultimately resulted in the creation of a million spy-themed movies. Thanks, Clinton Administration, for the cinematic gold!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more secure than the secrets at Los Alamos was the haircut of every senior intelligence official? Talk about classified style!.
• Headline: Ford to Buy Kwik-Fit Holdings Of Scotland for $1.63 Billion. Impact: Ford buying Kwik-Fit means that every car in Europe now has a much higher chance of being fixed at the same place where someone might also buy donuts. This could have led to a global donut shortage. The horror!. Fact: Did you know that Kwik-Fit was originally named 'Kwik-Fix'? But then they realized fixing cars is actually not that quick…so they went with the more honest name..
• Headline: An Echo Of Kosovo In Bonn. Impact: Chancellor Schroder's election as chairman might have inadvertently started the trend of politicians wearing socks with sandals. You’re welcome, fashion faux pas.. Fact: Did you know that NATO's airstrikes led to some of the most awkward dinner conversations in Germany? 'So, how about those air strikes?' Awkward silence ensues..
• Headline: In Judgment of a Teacher, Ruling With 'No Pleasure'. Impact: Judging Clinton in contempt could have led to the rise of reality TV stars who also lie under oath, paving the way for shows like 'Keeping Up with the Klinton' – a real crime drama!. Fact: Did you know that Judge Wright's ruling could have been a plot twist in a soap opera? Who needs daytime drama when you have political scandals!.
• Headline: Helping Refugees. Impact: The aid to refugees from Kosovo likely inspired a whole new genre of humanitarian hipster cafes. Who knew saving lives could come with lattes and avocado toast?. Fact: Did you know that the word 'refugee' comes from the Latin 'refugium,' meaning 'a place to hide'? Which really makes you wonder about the hidden menus in those cafes!.
• Headline: A Legal Aftershock Jars Clinton's Hope for Calm. Impact: Clinton’s legal aftershock could have led to a rise in the popularity of courtroom dramas in Hollywood. A future where every legal dispute comes with popcorn—thank you, Judge Wright!. Fact: Did you know that Clinton’s presidency was so eventful it could have been a sitcom? 'Full House: White House Edition' would have been a hit!.
• Headline: Government Says H.M.O.'s Mislead Medicare Recipients. Impact: The misleading information from H.M.O.s could have led to the invention of a new sport: Medicare Roulette, where beneficiaries spin a wheel to find out their actual benefits. Exciting times!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more misleading than H.M.O. info is that one friend who always says 'I’ll pay you back next week'? Spoiler: They never do!.
• Headline: At an Outdated Airstrip, NATO Builds Up. Impact: NATO building up in Albania might have led to a sudden demand for 'Uncle Sam wants YOU' posters in every Albanian household. Because nothing says diplomacy like a military presence!. Fact: Did you know that Albania was once the last bastion of Stalinist rule in Europe? Talk about a glow-up from communism to NATO’s favorite playground!.