APRIL 12, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Whitman's Senate Run: A Political Advantage. Impact: If Whitman had lost her rematch, the entire political landscape might have shifted, leading to a chain reaction where New Jersey's state bird could have been changed to a pigeon, just to symbolize the political chaos. Fact: Did you know that losing a political race can sometimes lead to more lucrative opportunities in lobbying? Just ask any failed candidate with a sense of humor!.
• Headline: Marbury's Highlight Reel After Knicks Defeat. Impact: Marbury’s loss to the Knicks not only crushed the Nets’ hopes but also set off a series of events where fans began to question their life choices, leading to a spike in therapy sessions across New Jersey. Fact: Fun fact: The Knicks have made losing an art form, but they still sell more tickets than most Broadway shows. Go figure!.
• Headline: Las Vegas Journal; Casino Seeks Tax Break for Art's Sake. Impact: If Steve Wynn had secured that tax break, it might have encouraged other casinos to lobby for similar ‘art tax breaks’, leading to a renaissance of art in casinos, where slot machines were surrounded by priceless paintings. Fact: Did you know that in Las Vegas, the only thing more common than slot machines is a tax loophole? Talk about luck!.
• Headline: Signing Up in Yonkers to Fight for Kosovo. Impact: The enlistment of Albanian-American soldiers could have sparked a trend where every neighborhood starts recruiting for random causes, leading to a bizarre reality show called ‘America’s Next Top Volunteer’. Fact: Did you know that volunteering for a war zone is technically the most extreme form of community service? You won’t get a trophy, but at least you’ll get an interesting story!.
• Headline: Market Place; Feasting On a Banquet Of Internet Offerings. Impact: The rush of Internet start-ups going public might have inadvertently led to the creation of an alternate universe where everyone is a tech billionaire, and people actually use their college degrees. Fact: Did you know that in the world of tech start-ups, the more absurd your idea, the more funding you can possibly get? Just look at Pet Rock 2.0!.
• Headline: Air Traffic Control System Appears to Pass 2000 Test. Impact: The successful test of the air traffic control system could have inadvertently inspired a new reality TV show where air traffic controllers become the next big celebrity chefs—cooking up schedules instead of soufflés. Fact: Did you know that air traffic control is the only job where you can literally be in the middle of a cloud and still not be high?.
• Headline: An Advocate for Refugees With Her Hat Firmly in Hand. Impact: Sheppie Abramowitz’s advocacy for refugees may have inadvertently inspired a new trend in humanitarian chic, where people start wearing refugee-themed clothing on the runway, confusing fashion critics everywhere. Fact: Did you know that advocating for refugees can sometimes be more fashionable than actually wearing designer clothes? Just ask Sheppie!.