APRIL 9, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: E.D.S. Leadership Change Announcement. Impact: Troy W Todd's 'improvement' of employee performance led to the invention of the mandatory office motivational poster, which, ironically, has demotivated more people than it has inspired. Who knew a cat hanging from a tree could cause so much existential dread?. Fact: Did you know that 'executive vice president' is just corporate speak for 'I'm going to be here for a long time making absolutely no difference'?.
• Headline: Charming Diplomacy: Zhu Ronghi's White House Visit. Impact: Zhu Rongji's charming dinner speech created a ripple effect that inspired future politicians to think they could charm their way out of anything, leading to an era of mediocre public speaking and widespread eye-rolling at political events.. Fact: Fun fact: The Gettysburg Address is often recited by politicians who have never actually read it. Cheers to historical ignorance!.
• Headline: H. Robert Marschalk: Life and Legacy. Impact: H. Robert Marschalk’s death marked a significant moment in pharmaceutical history, as it triggered a series of boardroom battles that led to the creation of a drug that only works if you believe in it. Welcome to the world of homeopathy!. Fact: Did you know that the Vicks Chemical Company was once known for its cough syrup? Now we just cough up money for overpriced medications!.
• Headline: Graduation Is the Best Revenge. Impact: The reporter's high school masquerade inspired a generation of journalists to adopt a 'fake it till you make it' philosophy, leading to the rise of clickbait articles. Thanks for that, bottom of the barrel!. Fact: Did you know that pretending to be a high school student is probably the only thing more embarrassing than actually being a high school student?.
• Headline: Cross at Green? No. In Between.; Only a Few Jaywalkers Are Getting Tickets, or Qualms. Impact: The jaywalking debate led to the creation of a new underground culture of 'urban ninjas' who perfected the art of crossing streets while avoiding both traffic and tickets. The secret society still exists today, thriving in the shadows.. Fact: Did you know that jaywalking was once considered a crime? Now it’s just a rite of passage for New Yorkers trying to get to brunch on time!.
• Headline: Denver's Hispanic Residents Point to Ills of the Uninsured. Impact: The uninsured crisis highlighted by Denver's Hispanic residents sparked debates nationwide, leading to the classic American pastime of ignoring health care until it's a problem for someone else. Bravo, America!. Fact: Did you know that in America, 'health care' is often just a euphemism for 'good luck and Godspeed'?.
• Headline: Police Profiling Debate Hinges on Issue of Experience vs. Bias. Impact: The profiling debate led to a series of sitcoms where police officers hilariously misinterpret situations, making everyone wonder if they were watching a comedy or a documentary. Spoiler: It was both.. Fact: Did you know that profiling is just a fancy way of saying, 'I don't know what I'm doing, so let's blame it on someone else'?.
• Headline: Whitman Plans Senate Race, Starting Fund-Raising Effort. Impact: Christine Todd Whitman's Senate race announcement created a butterfly effect that led to an explosion of campaign slogans that no one remembers but everyone pretends to. Truly, the art of forgetting is strong in politics.. Fact: Did you know that running for office is just a glorified popularity contest where the prize is a lifetime of stress and public scrutiny? Sounds fun, right?.
• Headline: China's Prime Minister Denies Secrets Were Stolen. Impact: Zhu Rongji's denials about nuclear secrets sparked a cultural phenomenon of diplomatic humor that confused everyone involved and led to a series of treaties signed in the spirit of 'let's just laugh it off.'. Fact: Did you know that humor in diplomacy is often just a cover-up for the fact that nobody really knows what's going on? Perfect recipe for international relations!.