APRIL 5, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Understanding the Kosovo Conflict's Brutality. Impact: The Kosovo Killings not only fueled a decade of conflict but also sparked a never-ending debate about whether or not history can actually repeat itself—spoiler alert: it can, and it usually does, just with a worse soundtrack.. Fact: Did you know that the tangled web of history is like a really bad soap opera? One moment of drama, and suddenly everyone is in a feud that lasts generations!.
• Headline: Schools Involved in Market Research Deals. Impact: The partnership between schools and market research opened the door to the idea that children could be the next big consumer demographic, proving that kids are not just the future—they're also a marketing goldmine.. Fact: Did you know that schools are now basically just unpaid interns for corporate America? Future resume: 'Expert in focus group participation.'.
• Headline: SERB CONSCRIPTS DRIFT INTO HIDING. Impact: The drift of Serb conscripts into hiding is like the world's worst game of hide-and-seek, only instead of kids, it’s grown men trying to avoid a conflict that seems to have zero end in sight—serving as a dark reminder of how history often repeats itself, but with more camouflage.. Fact: Did you know that hiding from military duty is not just an ancient practice but also a great way to practice your extreme introversion skills? Who knew it was actually a life choice?.
• Headline: Masters: Where Tradition Is a Permanent Illusion. Impact: The Masters tournament continued to solidify its status as the world's longest-running tradition of pretending that golf is exciting, influencing future generations to wear pastel-colored pants and argue over who has the best swing.. Fact: Did you know that the Masters is the only tournament where you can wear a green jacket and still not be allowed in the club if you can't tell the difference between a birdie and a bogey?.
• Headline: R. C. Benitez, 81, Dies; Led Cold War Rescue. Impact: R. C. Benitez's heroic rescue operation during the Cold War helped shape future naval tactics, proving once again that disaster can lead to innovation—though some might argue it was just a really expensive game of 'Don't Blow Up.'. Fact: Did you know that submarines are basically the underwater version of a 'no-return' policy? Once you're deep enough, good luck explaining that to your insurance company!.
• Headline: BASEBALL: The Power of His Pitches And the Vigor of His Person; Roger Clemens Is One of a Kind to His Contemporaries. Impact: Roger Clemens' career not only changed the dynamics of pitching but also spawned a plethora of debates about performance-enhancing drugs—because why be good at your job when you can just be good at lying about it?. Fact: Did you know that in baseball, the only thing more inflated than a player's ego is the ball? Talk about a home run of a different kind!.
• Headline: Only Kurdish TV Station May Be Shut Down. Impact: The campaign to shut down the only Kurdish TV station highlighted the ongoing struggle for free speech, which ironically led to a global outcry—because nothing makes people rally together like telling them they can't have something.. Fact: Did you know that shutting down a TV station is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube? Good luck with that—once people start to talk, there's no stopping the conversation!.