MARCH 26, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Exploring 'Taking the Children' Reviews. Impact: This film review sparked a global obsession with analyzing children's movies, leading to the creation of a secret society of film critics known as 'The Guardians of Kid Flicks.' They now control 80% of the world's animated content. Fact: Did you know that 'The King and I' was originally intended to be a documentary about an actual king? Turns out, the king was just really bad at sharing his toys.
• Headline: Home Resales Near Record Levels in February. Impact: The housing market's near-record performance led to a nationwide trend of home buyers naming their houses, resulting in a significant increase in real estate broker Instagram accounts featuring homes like 'Chateau de Mortgage' and 'The Payment Palace.'. Fact: Fun fact: Most people think 'home resales' refer to homes that have been returned to the store. Spoiler alert: you can't return a house!.
• Headline: Journalists Evacuate Amid Serbian Tensions. Impact: The flight of journalists turned into an annual event where reporters now hold a 'Journalist Escape Olympics,' competing in who can flee from a government the fastest while dodging rubber bullets and bad puns. Fact: The Serbian government's decision to expel journalists was so popular among some residents that they started a local trend called 'Media Out, Fun In!'.
• Headline: Russia Takes Protest to the U.N. Council. Impact: Russia's protest at the U.N. sparked a series of increasingly ridiculous debates about what constitutes 'peace,' leading to a new international law requiring all nations to incorporate interpretive dance into their diplomatic discussions. Fact: The U.N. Security Council once almost passed a resolution banning awkward silences during meetings. Unfortunately, it was vetoed by the country of Awkwardia.
• Headline: Solar Eclipse of the Heart: Love in a Suburb of the 50's. Impact: The film 'Judy Berlin' led to a resurgence of black-and-white indie films, eventually inspiring a new genre: monochrome reality shows where contestants must survive in a world devoid of color and Wi-Fi. Fact: Edie Falco's character in 'Judy Berlin' was originally supposed to be a talking cat, but the producers decided that audiences might find that a bit too 'purr-suasive.'.
• Headline: Nassau Jail to Provide Shelter for Visitors. Impact: The installation of benches in Nassau Jail became a trend, inspiring other jails to create ‘waiting rooms’ that resemble cozy cafes, complete with baristas who can serve you coffee while you wait to see your loved one. Fact: Nassau County jail workers were once tempted to install disco balls instead of benches, but they decided that the inmates might not appreciate a dance party during visiting hours.
• Headline: White House Pushing Deal With Beijing. Impact: The White House's push for a deal with Beijing led to a secret competition among nations to broker the most absurd trade agreements, resulting in a bizarre trade for jellybeans between the U.S. and Mongolia. Fact: The White House's 'enormous progress' was actually just a series of increasingly awkward phone calls where everyone kept forgetting each other's names.
• Headline: Residential Real Estate; Impending Tax Stirring Hamptons Home Sales. Impact: The impending tax on Hamptons home sales inspired an underground movement where wealthy buyers attempted to dodge taxes by pretending to sell their homes to each other, creating a real estate version of musical chairs. Fact: The Hamptons have been known to have more taxes than residents, leading to a popular saying: 'You can take the house, but you can’t take the tax.'.
• Headline: China Mounts All-Out Verbal Assault on Air Raids. Impact: China's verbal assault on NATO airstrikes sparked a hashtag war on social media, with each country attempting to outdo the other in clever insults, leading to the first-ever 'Global Roast Championship.'. Fact: China's state newspaper once accidentally published an article with puns so bad, they were dubbed 'pun-ishing' by critics worldwide. They have since tightened their editorial standards.