MARCH 17, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Transforming Waste into Opportunity. Impact: The eco-industrial park concept leads to a future where cities are powered entirely by recycling. Unfortunately, this results in an underground black market for 'authentic' industrial waste, just like how hipsters now pay extra for artisanal toast.. Fact: Did you know that the first eco-industrial park was actually just a large dumpster behind a hipster café? They called it 'sustainable living.'.
• Headline: Tax Cuts and Painful Reductions Proposed in G.O.P Budget. Impact: The G.O.P budget proposal opens the floodgates for political debates that eventually lead to a reality show where politicians compete in 'Who Can Cut More?' - spoiler alert, no one wins.. Fact: Did you know that tax cuts are like a diet? Everyone talks about them, but no one sticks to it for long?.
• Headline: From Gravy to Jus, Now 'Amish' Is Trendy. Impact: The trend of 'Amish' in cuisine leads to an awkward cultural exchange where city dwellers try to live like the Amish, resulting in a new genre of social media: 'Amish Chic,' which is ironically anything but simple.. Fact: Did you know that the Amish originally rejected social media? But then they realized they could make a killing selling 'non-digital' digital detox retreats..
• Headline: Love After 60 Could Lead to an Oscar at 32. Impact: The documentary about love after 60 inspires a wave of romantic comedies featuring seniors, ultimately leading to a resurgence of interest in geriatric romance, and hospitals turning into dating venues.. Fact: Did you know that senior dating is actually just a more refined version of speed dating? Because, well, time is of the essence!.