MARCH 13, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Discover William Segal's Self-Portraits. Impact: Segal's self-portraits inspired countless future artists to spend hours staring at their own reflections, sparking a nationwide epidemic of existential crises in art studios across America.. Fact: Did you know that staring at yourself in the mirror for too long can make you question your very existence? Thanks, William Segal!.
• Headline: NFL's Rising Ownership Costs Explained. Impact: The $800 million bid set off a chain reaction that eventually leads to billion-dollar sponsorship deals, causing future owners to resort to selling their kidneys to afford a team.. Fact: Fun fact: In the future, NFL teams will be sold for more than the GDP of small countries. Guess they really are 'America's game'!.
• Headline: Stefan A. Riesenfeld, 90, Expert on International Law. Impact: Riesenfeld's contributions to international law prompted a series of legal disputes over the proper way to frame a Constitution, leading to intense debates over font sizes in legal documents.. Fact: Did you know that the average lifespan of a Constitution is about 50 years? So, if yours is still kicking, it might be time for a makeover!.
• Headline: AMR Profit-Sharing Plan. Impact: AMR's generous profit-sharing plan became the blueprint for future companies, leading to an era where employees began expecting their own private jets as part of the deal.. Fact: Did you know that profit-sharing plans often lead to employees thinking they're entitled to more than just a bonus? Welcome to corporate America!.
• Headline: After Station Fire, Subway Lines Face Months of Turmoil. Impact: The subway turmoil created a massive uptick in the use of alternative transportation methods, resulting in a bizarre spike in unicycling popularity in Brooklyn.. Fact: Did you know that during subway disruptions, the average New Yorker walks 10,000 steps—just to avoid the inconvenience? Who needs a gym membership?.
• Headline: G.O.P. Picks Its Fight. Impact: The GOP's offensive against Clinton's policies led to a series of increasingly absurd political debates, paving the way for future reality TV stars to run for office.. Fact: Did you know that political debates were once taken seriously? Now they're just another episode of 'Keeping Up with the Politicians'!.
• Headline: Grotesque Bodies Sheltering Puzzled and Alienated Souls. Impact: The play's themes of alienation inspired a generation of theatergoers to seek therapy, resulting in a spike in mental health awareness, albeit through exaggerated performances.. Fact: Did you know that the theater is basically a fancy way for people to express their inner turmoil? Who needs therapy when you have a stage?.