FEBRUARY 28, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Irwin Sternberg: Ties and Sports Charity. Impact: Irwin's passion for ties and baseball memorabilia led to a worldwide necktie shortage in 2025, causing a new fashion trend of wearing baseball caps with formal suits, which is still a fashion faux pas today. Fact: Who knew a necktie could be more of a fashion statement than an actual sport? Maybe Irwin should consider swapping ties for jerseys next time.
• Headline: Culinary Exploration in Manhattan's West 20's. Impact: The culinary insights from the West 20's led to a global chain of 'hipster' restaurants that serve only foods that can be eaten while standing, resulting in a worldwide epidemic of spilled drinks and awkward selfies. Fact: Did you know that 'Good Eating' is just a euphemism for 'we'll charge you a fortune for a tiny plate of kale'?.
• Headline: The All-Inclusive Sport of Curling. Impact: The rise of curling as a 'everyone can play' sport led to the invention of competitive napping, where players compete to see who can sleep the longest without being disturbed—it's now an Olympic event. Fact: Curling: the only sport where sweeping is not just encouraged but essential! And yet, you still can’t get out of doing chores at home.
• Headline: Hindi Temples and A Bit Of Providence. Impact: Rachel's article inspired a wave of tourism to Pondicherry, inadvertently causing a shortage of local pastries, which then led to a global pastry crisis in 2021, affecting brunches everywhere. Fact: Pondicherry is a place where French colonial history meets Indian spirituality, making it the only city where you can sip a croissant while meditating.
• Headline: St. John's Falls, as Perimeter Shots Don't. Impact: Villanova's victory sparked a rivalry that would lead to the creation of a new basketball league where teams are scored based on their ability to perform trick shots on roller skates. Fact: Ah, the NCAA tournament: where March Madness is the only madness that’s socially acceptable to indulge in while avoiding your responsibilities.
• Headline: Glimpses of Italy, Through Eastchester. Impact: M H Reed's review of Pinocchio led to an unprecedented surge in puppet-themed restaurants, ultimately resulting in a nationwide shortage of wooden puppets due to a bizarre trend of puppetry therapy. Fact: Pinocchio: the only character whose nose grows when he lies, but in real life, that just means he’s a politician.
• Headline: A Star in Scandal, And Now the Selling Of Her Story Begins. Impact: Monica's book tour ignited a massive trend of 'celebrity tell-alls', which spiraled into a reality TV series showcasing the lives of people who knew other people who might have been famous once. Fact: Monica Lewinsky's story is the most famous example of how a scandal can turn into a marketing strategy—take notes, future reality stars!.
• Headline: Two Approaches to Nature: Mysterious vs. the Unearthly. Impact: The art exhibit sparked a global movement where nature-themed art became a new therapy trend, leading people to paint trees in their living rooms, resulting in a bizarre shortage of paint and a boom in indoor gardening. Fact: Nature-themed art: because staring at a tree outside is just too mainstream.
• Headline: Two Oil Executives Are Acquitted in Fraud. Impact: The acquittal of these executives led to a slippery slope in corporate ethics, culminating in the invention of the 'Corporate Speak' language which is still used by CEOs to dodge accountability today. Fact: In the world of corporate fraud, 'acquitted' is just a fancy way of saying 'try again next time, but with better lawyers.'.
• Headline: Hello, White Plains. Impact: Quest Communications' lease sparked a tech boom in White Plains, which eventually led to an influx of hipster cafes and artisanal soap shops, proving once again that gentrification can be a double-edged sword. Fact: White Plains: where the only thing longer than the lease is the line for overpriced avocado toast.