FEBRUARY 20, 1999

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senators Take Stand Against Cell Research Funding. Impact: The protest against cell research by seven senators inadvertently ignited a movement that convinced half of America that stem cells were the key to eternal youth. Spoiler alert: they weren't, but the resulting skincare industry boom was *totally* unexpected.. Fact: Did you know that some people still think that stem cell research is a form of witchcraft? Yes, because science is just like medieval sorcery!.
• Headline: 1998 Trade Deficit Reaches Record High. Impact: The US trade deficit reaching a new high in 1998 marked the beginning of America's love affair with credit cards. Little did they know, this would lead to a future where people would go into debt over avocado toast. Thanks, trade deficit!. Fact: Did you know that $168.8 billion could buy you approximately 4,000,000,000 avocados? Just saying, America had its priorities straight!.
• Headline: Olivetti to Consider Bid for Telecom Italia. Impact: Olivetti's bid for Telecom Italia set a precedent for corporate warfare in Europe, leading to the rise of corporate espionage dramas that were later adapted into bad movies. Remember, the first hostile takeover was just corporate Tinder gone wrong.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of corporate takeovers, 'swipe right' means something entirely different? Just be careful not to ghost your board members!.
• Headline: Lorin Tryon, 71, Organizer Of Leading Classic Car Show. Impact: Lorin Tryon's death left a void in the classic car show community, causing a sudden spike in vintage car prices and giving rise to a new generation of 'classic car hipsters' who only drive vehicles over 50 years old.. Fact: Did you know that classic car shows are like wine tastings for men? The older it is, the more they brag about it!.
• Headline: Houston On Target As Knicks Are Sharp. Impact: The Knicks defeating the 76ers not only marked a win for NYC but also set in motion a series of events that would lead to the rise of sports bars where people could argue about the game for decades to come – because who needs therapy when you can yell at a television?. Fact: Did you know that the Knicks' victory was so thrilling that it inspired at least five bad rap songs? That’s what we call a 'cultural contribution.'.
• Headline: New York City Plans to Extend Workfare to Homeless Shelters. Impact: New York City's plan to extend workfare to homeless shelters triggered a nationwide debate about the ethics of work requirements, leading to the creation of the term 'shelter shaming' – because nothing says 'compassionate society' like mandatory labor.. Fact: Did you know that 'workfare' is just a fancy term for making people work for their food? Because apparently, cooking and cleaning aren’t enough!.